10 Surefire Ways to Affirm Your Child's Strengths and Inspire Confidence

As parents, we all want our children to reach their full potential and be the best they can be. It's a joy to watch them grow and develop, discovering their unique gifts and talents. As we nurture and support them along the way, we can't help but feel a sense of pride when they accomplish something they've worked hard for. But it's not always easy to know how to best support our children, especially when it comes to affirming their gifts and talents. That's why we've put together this blog post with ten actionable tips to help you empower your child and encourage them to shine brightly in all they do!

One: Point Out Their Accomplishments

When your child accomplishes something amazing, take the time to point it out. Let them know that you see their hard work and appreciate it. Instead of pointing out everything they are not doing, focus on what they are doing right.

Two: Make a List of Their Gifts and Talents

Take the time to make a list of your child's gifts and talents. Post these in their room for them to see every day. These constant reminders can be encouraging and help them realize their full potential.

Three: Share Positive Statements

Our words have the power to build up or tear down. Share positive statements that fight back against negative thoughts. Write cards or leave notes around the house that convey positive messages without negative ones. Your child will see these messages over and over again and build up their self-esteem.

Four: Remind Your Child of Their Self-Worth

Make sure your child understands that their self-worth is not tied to their abilities. Reinforce this by conveying this message in your expectations. Praise effort, encourage growth, and focus on progress rather than solely on success.

Five: Take Time to Process Mistakes

When your child makes mistakes, take the time to process how they feel and what they would like to do differently. Encourage open and honest communication rather than lecturing them. This helps your child to develop a growth mindset and learn from their mistakes.

Six: Expose Them to Opportunities

Expose your child to a variety of opportunities, such as clubs, sports, and creative activities. This helps them discover their passions and talents. Encourage them to explore and try new things.

Seven: Offer Encouragement and Support

Offer encouragement and support in their interests and passions. Attend recitals or games and show interest in their activities. This validates their efforts and supports their growth.

Eight: Celebrate Accomplishments

Celebrate your child's accomplishments, big or small. Acknowledge their efforts, and show them how proud you are of them. Celebrations can bolster motivation and inspire continued growth.

Nine: Recognize Strengths and Weaknesses

Recognize their strengths and weakness and how they play a role in their development. This recognition creates an environment where children learn that their weaknesses are not a judgment of their worth but an opportunity to develop.

Ten: Practice Patience

Finally, practice patience in your journey to affirm your child's gifts and talents. This journey takes time and effort, but it can help your child build their confidence and self-esteem.

Affirming your child's gifts and talents can boost their confidence and spur on hope. As parents, we have the opportunity to help our children reach their full potential by validating their uniqueness. By following these ten ways to affirm your child's gifts and talents, you can create an environment that supports growth, celebrates accomplishments, and fosters self-worth. Affirming your child's gifts and talents takes time, patience, and effort, but it is worth every moment to help your child unlock their fullest potential.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

10 Lessons Learned: Supporting Our College Bound Student and Preparing to be Empty Nesters

Our son was college-bound, and we were about to become empty nesters. This phase is an interesting moment in time - a bitter-sweet passage filled with mixed emotions for everyone involved.

When our son was young, we nurtured his natural bents and found opportunities to develop and support his aptitudes. It wasn’t always easy. Though difficult, we committed to resisting the urge to mold him into what we thought he should become. Instead, we asked God to help us discern how He was masterfully designed by Him to fulfill a purpose and give us the tools to train him in the way he should go.

Now years later, it was time to let go. Our college-bound son was brimming with excitement and optimism to further develop his God-given talents. He was more than ready to head out to college. This was our second rodeo – our daughter had left the nest five years ago. We knew from past experiences that our role and the dynamics of our relationship with our son and each other were unquestionably going to shift. This time around, we decided to be intentional about preparing for the changes it was about to bring. Instead of deep grief and loneliness, we experienced joy and even began to enjoy each other, our son, and the extra time we had in ways we would never have dreamed of.

Here are 10 lessons we learned about supporting our college-bound student and preparing to be empty nesters. They may help you too.

#1 It still takes a village

Often parents, especially mothers, feel they are no longer mothers when their children leave the nest. The truth is, being a parent is not a short-term commitment but a lifetime covenant. Being a mother or a father is not limited by age or proximity. Just like every phase of parenting calls us to a parent differently, so does this phase. We learned how to become parents to our emerging adults by receiving guidance from those that had done it well before us (Prov. 11:14.).

#2 Your feelings matter

Once your nest is empty, find the space to honor your own feelings and shed tears.

#3 Be happy for them

I cannot stress this enough: take the time to work through your worries, sadness or nervousness with your spouse or adult friends and not with your college-bound student. Be happy and excited for them. This allows them to leave the nest with much-needed confidence.

#4 Pray

Pray fervently (1 Peter 5:7) for your college student and yourself. How you respond and what you do in their absence can either have a positive or negative impact on your college student, your marriage and you.

#5 Be Intentional with your time

“Your child’s life will be filled with fresh experiences. It’s good if yours is as well.”

—Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you means you’ve done your job. They are a gift from God - not ours to keep but to teach how to soar on their own and fulfill their God-given purpose. And as they leave the nest, we must also find the strength to search our hearts for the purposes God wants us to fulfill in the next phase of life. After the whirlwind parenting brings, empty nesting has the potential to make you wonder how you fit in the world.

Ecclesiastes 3:2 says there is a time to plant and a time to uproot. For us, the new season opened the door to personal freedom and meaningful relationships. Months before your student leaves home, pray and make a list of things you want to learn or do. Prioritize each other and your marriage. Find rewarding ways to spend the time you now have - like mentoring a young mom or dad, investing in a student, or volunteering (2 Tim. 1:5, Titus 2:3–5, Heb. 13:7). Find communities that share the same values as you. Cultivate adult friendships that bring meaning and push you to become a better version of yourself.

#6 Set check-in guidelines

Students tell me that their parents scam their phones when they get to college. Adjusting to college life and its demands outside the warmth of one’s home is genuinely difficult. No wonder students ghost their parents. You may think you are supporting your student but blowing up their phones does nothing but add more pressure. Establish and agree on a time to catch up and check in before your student leaves for college. Trust, that if your student needs you, he or she will reach out to you.

#7 Hands-off unless invited

Your student is changing drastically. He or she is now an emerging adult who secretly still needs their parents’ approval while they figure out how to do adulting without your help. When your student struggles, resist the need to solve their problems unless they ask you to help them. Boost their confidence by being a good listener and encouraging them to find their own solutions.

#8 Shower them with words of affirmation

College life is not easy. Find ways to remind your student that you love them and are proud of them.

#9 Send home-made packages

Send them care packages with their favorite things. For years, one of my favorite things to do was to invite other mothers who had students in college to my home to bake, write cards, pray and pack care packages.

#10 Acknowledge and celebrate changes

Commit to understanding and celebrating the changes your student has experienced while at college. Most students tell me that it is extremely difficult to come back home during their breaks. They rather stay away if they could afford it. Their number one complaint is that their parents still see them as the kid that left for college rather than the emerging adult that has experienced drastic changes and is learning to take ownership of their time and actions.

Work together on modifying previous house rules and establishing new expectations. Trust me, the time they have at home is limited. Use it wisely to fight for their heart and enrich your relationship with them.

Do you and your college-bound student need support? Contact us today

Parenting a Teen – 4 Ways Empathy Makes a Difference

nick-fewings-ka7REB1AJl4-unsplash.jpg

Growing up is a lot of work!

During each stage of development, kids experience something new physically, socially, emotionally, cognitively, and intellectually. When teenagers begin to make irrational, emotional decisions, parents tend to lose patience and panic. This lends itself to a cycle of parent-teen conflicts at a very critical time in their teen’s life.

One of the most important tools parents need to have to help their teens (and themselves) thrive through the turmoil is a strong sense of empathy.

As teens approach puberty, it’s easy to see the changes unfolding in their body physically but not so in their brain. The emotional center of their brain is more developed than the decision-making part of the brain. This puts their emotions on overdrive and logic in the back seat! Here are a few tips to help you stay focused on what’s important during this time.

Maintain the parent-teen relationship – fight for their heart

While you’re confused and angry about your teen’s behavior, your teen is breaking away from you. You might get the impression that your teen doesn’t need you. Not true! In a rapidly changing world, despite how your teen behaves, he or she longs for parental stability, safety, and belonging. When you’re in the middle of a conflict and emotions are running high, put your empathy hat on. Keep your cool, ask reflective questions, and actively listen. Give them time to cool down. This changes their brain chemistry. Repeat what you heard them say. Make them feel understood. Add humor to your conversations and don’t forget to just have fun. If you want to share a different perceptive and be heard, do it later! You might have to wait a day or two but that’s okay.

Do everything it takes to fight for your teen’s heart and maintain your relationship.

Help your teen stay healthy – body and mind

None of us want to recall how awkward teen years can be. You can develop empathy for your teen by recalling how difficult those years were for you. Over the years, I’ve helped many teens deal with anxiety brought on by surges of change. My goal is to help them identify triggers and regulate their response to them. This reduces the number of chemicals released into the brain from the anxiety. One of the most overlooked aspects of brain chemistry is its need to be watered, fed, emptied, and exercised.

Our ability to think clearly and be creative, alert, and logical is directly impacted by water, food, and sleep intake.

Additionally, exercising during ‘hormone surge years’ can help teens respond less emotionally. Buy your teen a journal and encourage them to dump all their thoughts on paper. This will allow them to sleep more peacefully and respond to situations less emotionally.

Plan risk-taking adventures with your teen - and engage

As they start to develop their own value system, teens begin to think out of the box. They take risks to tangibly discover if what they have been taught about life is true. Risk behaviors make us feel good because our brain releases adrenaline and dopamine.

Here is another opportunity for parents to put on their empathy hat – provide safe risk-taking opportunities and engage with them in the process. This helps your teen discover healthy ways to experience what their brain is craving while avoiding tragic consequences.

Avoid lecturing your teen on the consequences of poor choices. Instead research and share real, poor risk behavior stories to help them think through the consequences.

Parenting a teen requires help - ask for it

While all this change is going on, your teen is expected to make one of the most critical decisions of his or her life. Making college and career choices with their emotional, rather than their logical part of their brain can have negative, life-long consequences. I’ve found that often students make career choices based on a glamorized, rather than a realistic perceptive of that career. Recently one of my clients wanted to become a nurse, though she did not have the aptitude to become one, simply because she wanted to wear scrubs! Some students decide to attend a college based on where their closest friends or significant others are attending.

The simple truth is students need help to avoid making emotional decisions.

The best way to preserve your relationship with them is by asking friends, teachers, and counselors who can empathize with your teen to step in and help them launch into adulthood and all the decisions that come with it.

A great time to start developing empathy and adding it to your parenting tool-kit is now. Helping your teenager in these four ways can make an immeasurable difference. Keep going parents - you can do it!

Kal has spent the last thirty years working with teens developing empathy, good listening, and communication skills to help them navigate college and life decisions. Contact us today to find out how we can help.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Your Changing Teenager & What They Need From You

ryan-redcay-382751-unsplash.jpg

It happened overnight…twice! It happened once with our daughter Missy and then seven years later with our son Chad. The first time it occurred we were convinced it wasn’t going to happen to us so when it did, we weren’t ready. We expected it the second time around, which paved a way for a different experience.  

All parents reach the point when they wonder who kidnapped their perfectly well behaved and parent-loving child. The shift in parent-child relationship is painful, confusing and often surfaces old pain stored in a parents’ memory. Between the ages of 12 to 18, children experience a crisis that Erik Erickson terms as ‘identity vs. role diffusion’. When younger, children understand that they have no power and that adults do. This allows them to align themselves with those adults as a way to share some of that power and status. Now, they want power for themselves with the same people that they’ve been subordinate to for the first twelve-plus years of their life.  It’s not okay to be someone’s child…they want to be their own person. In an effort to discover who they are, there’s a natural tendency to separate from their parents and seek psychological autonomy.  As parents, it’s important to accept the fact that ‘pulling away’ is totally natural; and to prepare our hearts to live in that tension so we can make the most of what’s happening during this phase.

The power of safe space and natural consequences: During this phase, kids go through the process of self-realization to determine who they’ll be as individuals and ultimately as adults. They begin to show interest in things that are different and often opposite of those of their parents. This gives them the ability to evaluate and measure these new experiences against their familiar childhood lifestyle to help them discern what’s uniquely valuable to them. This time-period of pulling away produces high levels of fear, anxiety and feelings of failure in parents. Though difficult, I had to learn how to disconnect what my children were going through from what I was feeling. Their search for a personal and separate identity was natural but I found myself feeling like a failure when I saw them making choices that didn’t reflect how I’d raised them. Instead of trusting what I had instilled in Missy when she was young, I found myself fighting against the choices she was making and over-controlling her by placing unrealistic rules in place that made her feel un-trusted and punished. Seven years later, Chad had realistic boundaries in place, which gave him a safe environment to process, fail and develop. In Chad’s words, “Missy was a recipient of punishments while I learned lessons from natural consequences (which were often painful) and received little or no punishment.” Teens need a lot of guidance and support but want the freedom to come to their parents rather than receive unsolicited advice. They’re also less likely to rebel against parents when they experience natural and realistic consequences for their actions. Often, Chad intentionally would ask some shocking questions, just to test the waters. Staying calm in the middle of scary conversations offers our children the assurance that we’re not easily disappointed and that we’re committed to them through thick and thin.

The power of community: I fell into what I believe is one of the most costly parenting traps. I bought into the lie that I was the only ‘one’ that my children needed. I’ve come to realize that because of the what ‘identity verse role diffusion’ entails a parent’s voice will become soft during these years which makes it extremely vital for us to intentionally posture other trusting adults who will echo what we believe during these years. Something beautiful happens in the process... our kids learn the value of community. As I watch my adult daughter struggle, I wish I had figured out how to give her what my son had – a community of loving and invested adults who were committed to being present for him. Today, I admire the fact that my son loves community and knows how to be community. He takes the time to build relationships as well as reaches out to others with ease and transparency when he needs support, prayer and advice.  As parents, we need to accept the fact that other adults are essential and are not a threat to our children or us. Before our son hit adolescence we became intentional about being present for other teens. We found ourselves being more patient and understanding with Chad because of our unfolding experiences with those teens.  Now years later, as empty nesters, my husband and I continue to find deep joy and purpose by creating safe places for those that wrestle through these years.

The power of forgiveness and transparency: One day, when my kids were still young, my son challenged me about knowing something with more accuracy than I did. I was 100% confident that I was correct. Well, it turns out that I was wrong. I remember how difficult it was to ask for forgiveness, especially because he laughed at me after I lost the bet. What he didn’t realize is that he triggered a childhood memory that evoked a severe reaction from me. Something that had the potential to be a meaningful memory turned into a nightmare. We forget that our kids have a front row seat into our lives and are absorbing the good, the bad and the ugly of our parenting till they hit the phase. As they try to gain independence and establish their own value system they openly start voicing their opinions about what they’ve experienced thus far. Partly because this is how they gain independence, and mostly because they’re trying to understand why we did what we did to parent them. It’s important to give our children the space to respectfully share their feedback. This might mean hearing some unpleasant things about ourselves, admitting our failures and asking for forgiveness. My husband’s ability to be transparent and ask for forgiveness from our son has had a huge impact on Chad. Now as a young adult, Chad finds himself modeling the same thing with his friends and co-workers.
We also need to be mindful of our own triggers that impact how we parent through this phase. I saw myself in my daughter’s behavior and that stirred up a lot of pain that I had shelved. Her behavior caused me to project my own rebellious and regretful history into Missy’s future and I assumed that she’d repeat my mistakes. I did her a disservice by failing to separate my experience from hers. I began to parent her with fear instead of using it as an opportunity to be transparent about my own poor choices and the regret it brought me. It was about her and I made it about me.

Parenting is not easy. By anticipating and preparing our hearts for the unique tensions that exists during adolescence, we can confidently help our children and others, navigate their pursuit for an independent identity that reflects the values we hold close to our hearts.

The 'Terrific' Two's

alexander-dummer-261098-unsplash.jpg

Toddlers are realizing that they can be their 'own' person. As a new parent, I often wondered if I would ever sleep or eat a decent meal with other adults again. Parenting during the babyhood stage can be exhausting and lonely. I feel guilty about wishing that phase away. On the other hand, others, even strangers, were quick to remind me that the terrible twos were just around the corner!  Erik Erickson calls this the 'autonomy versus shame and doubt' stage, which builds on the earlier stage of 'trust versus mistrust' as well as lays the foundation for future stages to come. Children at this age increasingly fight for independence and strive to gain more control over what they do and how they do it. This makes them very busy as well as keeps their parents on their toes. When parents spur on their need for autonomy, children grow up to feel secure and confident. On the other hand, when parents stifle their toddler's attempts, they develop a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt. 

So yes, the twos were challenging and at times nerve-wracking. For me, the twos weren’t terrible, but ‘terrific’. I was in awe and marveled at the constant surprises and rapid learning that took place for both of us during this stage.

  • As she slipped into one of my high-heeled shoes and tried to walk, she reminded me that she was learning to imitate and that I had the power to influence her.

  • As she covered her face (and my carpet) with red lipstick, she reminded me that coloring outside the lines is fun.  

  • As she repeatedly jumped into puddles and splashed water, she was discovering that her actions cause a reaction. She was letting me know that she was wired to learn through repetition and fun.

  • As she learned to say ‘mommy’ and waited for me to respond, she was letting me know that she was learning about trust and hope.

  • As she demanded to feed herself and made a mess, she was conveying her need to be independent. She was building self-confidence.  

  • As she experienced hurt and had meltdowns, she learned to climb into my arms to be comforted and hugged. She was teaching me that I was important to make her feel safe.

  • As she insisted on setting the dinner table, I saw a glimpse of a servant’s heart that I intentionally needed to nurture.

  • As she began to fold her hands, bow her head and say a few ineligible words, she reminded me that she was learning to talk to her Heavenly Father.

The constant busyness and curiosity of a 2-year old can produce unique tension during this age and some might choose to view them as ‘challenges’.  I like to see them opportunities to help toddlers become independent confident people. In the middle of all the messiness and exhaustion, it's good to remember that it's just a phase - so let's not wish these precious 52 weeks away.