Understanding Your Spouse’s Learning Style for Better Communication

We all learn differently. The way we receive information is based on our mental processing; it affects how we present information to others, too. In marriage, misunderstandings often arise due to differences in learning styles and the lack of effort to understand one another. Over the years, I have spent time exploring learning styles and ways to customize communication in marriage. Let’s take a look at the idea of understanding your spouse’s learning style for better communication in relationships. 

What is a Learning Style? 

A learning style is defined as “the way in which each person absorbs, processes comprehends, and retains information." Everyone has their own unique style of learning; it can be visual (seeing), auditory (hearing), reading/writing (text-based) or kinesthetic (touch). It's important to note that everyone has their own unique blend of these four types of learning styles. To get a better handle on your spouse’s unique blend of learning styles, ask yourself these questions: what are their strengths? What do they respond to best? What makes them feel comfortable when receiving new information? These questions can help you gain insight into how your spouse learns best. 

The Benefits of Understanding Your Spouse’s Learning Style

When you take the time to understand your spouse's individual approach to learning, you will be better able to communicate with them more effectively. This could mean speaking slower if they are an auditory learner or including visuals if they are a visual learner. The more you understand their personal preferences, the more likely you are able to get through difficult conversations without misunderstanding each other or feeling unheard by one another. Additionally, understanding your spouse’s unique blend of learning styles can also help strengthen your relationship by showing them that you care enough about them and value them enough to take the time to understand and adjust accordingly. 

At the end of the day, there is no single solution for effective communication in marriage–especially when it comes down to our differences in mental processing–but taking the time to understand our spouses’ personalities and preferences can make communicating with one another easier and more meaningful over time. When we make an effort towards understanding our spouses' individual approach to receiving and processing information, we break down barriers that keep us from truly connecting with one another on an emotional level. Understanding each other's unique blend of learning styles can go a long way in helping us strengthen our relationships with one another!

Marriage and Learning style stories.

Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

Environmental Preferences and Productivity

Environmental preferences influence productivity. Eleven years ago, I had some very frustrated, but now very grateful parents attend a seminar I was hosting on environmental preferences. Supervised by a nagging mom, her kids would spend the entire evening sitting at the dining table, in total silence, doing their homework. Homework was a dreadful time for this family. Mom was determined to have her kids do their homework the way she did hers as a kid. It’s natural for us to have our children approach studying (and other tasks) the same way we do. However, whether doing homework or working, we all have environmental preferences that are influenced by our inborn learning style. These preferences impact how we concentrate and remember information as well as communicate.

Where? It’s traditional to sit and work at a desk, but we all have a preferred position. You might prefer to sit on a chair, stand at a desk, or, sit or lay on the floor.  There was even someone on my team who preferred to work laying on her stomach with her head under her work desk, particularly when the task required high levels of concentration. Not the most dignified approach, but it worked! Productivity and efficiency improve almost immediately when someone has the luxury to work in the position of his or her choice. If the goal is to increase concentration, consider accommodating differences in ‘where’ homework or work can be done.  

Lighting: When I was young I recall my mom nagging me about turning all the lights on while I did my homework. If I didn’t, she would turn them on and it would really bother me. I prefer working in an environment that has natural lighting. And I will avoid turning on overhead lights as long as possible – it helps me concentrate. One of my co-workers prefers to turn all the hallway and common workspace lights on, even though she has her own office. Do you favor brightly or softly lit spaces? Do you prefer using overhead lights or floor lamps? Catering to differences in lighting preferences also reduces distraction and increases productivity.

Sound: Some need total silence while others need noise to concentrate. It’s not uncommon for me to meet parents who have a hard time imagining that their students might need background noises to concentrate. Silence to these students is deafening and distracting. The familiar sounds of television, radio, and/or electronic devices can actually reduce anxiety, increase creativity, and reduce the amount of time it takes to complete projects. Most Kinesthetic learners will lean towards needing sound while audio learners need total silence.

Temperature: This environmental preference has the most impact on my ability to concentrate and be productive. I prefer to sleep when it’s cold but struggle if I have to work in the cold. I have sweaters everywhere – at work, in all our cars, and in different rooms in the home all year.  Some kids in school or people at work adapt easily to varying temperatures, while others in the room have to be comfortable before they can concentrate.

Food and Drink Intake: It’s hard for students or employees to concentrate when they’re hungry or thirsty. But for some, it’s more than that. Traditional classrooms don’t allow food or drinks to be consumed while kids are working. This wouldn’t be an issue for those who are distracted by food or drinks while they were engaged in an activity. For some, it would help them keep their minds focused on what they were doing. Personally, I’m distracted if my desk doesn’t have a coffee cup, full or empty, on it. I don’t always finish my coffee and at times, might have multiple half-empty cups sitting on my desk because it helps me concentrate. I’ve even experienced a coworker who nibbled her way through the workday.

Time: We all have an internal clock that determines peak productivity. My son was naturally energetic in the morning while my daughter is a night owl. Homework after school was a lot easier for my daughter than for my son. One of my co-workers prefers to work late into the night and start the day later in the morning. On the days she comes in early, it takes her longer time to get focused and get into the task at hand.

The mom who attended my class decided to give my suggestions a try. It changed their household. Every time I see her, she is quick to share her gratitude. Changing your idea on how homework gets done or work is accomplished based on an individual’s environmental preferences has the potential to decease tension, increase productivity, and even make homework, housework, and work fun.

Photo by Chris Adamus on Unsplash

Marriage and Learning Styles

The day before filing for divorce a desperate couple, urged by a pastor decided to attend one of my learning style classes. They’d walked out of the class hopeful though skeptical. Armed with learning style tools, they committed to approaching their relationship differently and now, six years later their marriage is thriving. Marriages fail for a host of reasons but this one was struggling because of poor communication. Marriage experts agree that ‘good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage’. Our learning style strongly influences how we convey and receive love, respect, support, forgiveness and care in a relationship. Since we all communicate, listen, interact and behave in unique ways, differences in styles can cause tension and conflict.

Like most couples, my husband and I have fallen prey to communication problems triggered by differences in learning styles.

When we first got married, I would say, “What time will you be home?” He would hear, “You better be home on time.” I was trying to show support and interest and he felt controlled.

He would say, “What did you do today?” I would hear, “You’re a terrible housewife, nothing got done today.”

A simple conversation or question has the potential to escalate into a full-blown conflict. I’ve experienced it and so have countless other couples who I’ve counseled. As couples, when we subscribe to ‘intentional communication’ techniques we can develop healthy communication habits. This involves leaning into each other’s learning styles while applying James 1:19 (You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.)  It’s important to talk about your style preference with each other to promote understanding, respect and tolerance.

Here are a few ways differences in style impacts marriages:

Directions and Stressful Situations: Asking for directions and stressful situations have the ‘unknown’ in common. How would you find your way around a new location? Would you use a map (visual), ask someone for directions (auditory) or just walking until you figured out where you were (kinesthetic)? I need my husband to talk (auditory) me through directions and describe landmarks along the way. He (visual) is great with maps (I’m not). Differences in how we prefer to receive information has caused frustration and sometimes made one or both of us feel inadequate. Couples can have a similar outcome while dealing with stressful situations.

Complaining and Criticizing: It feels good to complain. But complaining isn’t good for the body or brain and it impacts communication as well as relationships. It changes the body chemistry and releases the stress hormone cortisol that puts a person in fight or flight mode. It also rewires the brain to make future complaining more likely. As hard as you try, you’ll revert to your learning style while complaining. While you complain do you feel the need to point your finger or hammer your fists (kinesthetic), do you need to see the facial expression and whites of someone’s eyes (visual) or rant out loud (auditory)?

If your intent is to just complain and blow off steam, those with different learning styles might misunderstand your intent and receive it as a personal attack or criticism. Monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your ‘audio’ spouse will ‘hear’ them, even when your words are positive. If your words are positive but your facial expression isn’t, a ‘visual’ spouse will ‘see’ while a ‘kinesthetic’ spouse will ‘feel’ disrespected and criticized.

Talking and Sharing: As an auditory learner, I ramble out loud until I have a “light bulb” moment. I’ve learned it’s best I do this in an empty room or car. Other learning styles might assume that I’ve come to a conclusion about something and take action. This has gotten me into trouble both at home and work. I’ve learned to say, “ I’m just processing and will let you know when I have a final answer.” Visual leaner’s need to see your face and might feel disrespected or disengaged by kinesthetic leaner’s who need to be in motion to process information.

Decision Making: Having healthy discussions and reaching a peaceful agreement are often a challenge for married couples. Deciding where to eat or which car to buy has the potential to take on a life of it’s own. When asked to make a decision, visual learners need to ‘visualize’ places or objects or ‘write down’ a list of pros and cons. They like reading and researching. While they’re doing that the auditory learner is ‘talking over’ all the options and to their dismay the kinesthetic learner has already jumped into action since they need to ‘try out’ options as they go. Differences in the decision-making process can be threatening and surface personal insecurities. Commit to creating a safe space where both can freely express themselves using their own style, listen patiently without interrupting and ask for clarification if needed.

I’ve personally experienced, as well as seen marriage dynamics change between spouses when they understand and practice intentional communication. To take a simple learning style test and for detailed descriptions of each, check out my first blog in this series. 

Learning Style and Communication

My passion as a pastor, leader and counselor is to equip those whom I serve to be the best they can be. One thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that an effective communicator excels at every part of life. And communication is impacted by many factors; personalities, experiences, the way we were raised, learning styles, along with other influences. My next few posts will be related to this idea of understanding communication through Learning Styles. This post will focus strictly on what learning styles are, and why they are important to effective communication. The three posts following this will drill into how to utilize the knowledge and understanding of learning styles in our marriages, our parenting, and lastly, with our volunteer teams in ministry.

There’s more to the art of communication than the use of words. It’s the exchange of information and how it connects us to people. We live life trusting and relying on the sensory cues we receive from our eyes, ears, mouth, nose and touch. Hence the tones and body language that accompany spoken words influence how communication is received. So many factors influence how we deliver and interpret communication. One of those factors is our own unique learning style. The three identified learning styles are: Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic. Understanding our own unique VAK learning style can not only help us become better communicators, but also enhance how we learn, work and relate to others. Once understood, our learning style can be used as a tool to save us time and reduce frustration. I’ve seen firsthand as a counselor how it promotes healing, understanding and purpose.

The VAK model is popular because it’s intuitive and simple to use.

What is a learning style?

Learning styles refer to a person’s preferred way to take in, process, understand and remember information. Psychologists developed this learning style model in the 1920s. The VAK learning style uses the three main sensory receivers: visual, auditory and kinesthetic (movement) to determine the dominant learning style. Everyone uses all three styles as they process and learn. However, according to the theory, a person will have a strong preference toward one or two dominant styles.

Auditory Learners: Tend to:

• Enjoy listening but can’t wait to talk. Talk to themselves a lot. Move their lips while reading as well as read out loud.
• Learn best when they hear their own voice. This is why they vocalize in the middle of a class, meeting or movie.
• Struggle with reading and writing tasks.
• Remember names, but not the face or appearance of someone they just met.
• Talk ‘a mile a minute’ and expect others to drop everything to make eye contact to listen to them.
• Sounds distract them.
• Interpret the underlying meanings of speech through listening to tone of voice, pitch, speed and other nuances. A raised voice might be an argument to them, but just ‘a discussion’ to those with a different style.
• Sometimes remember things by setting information to a tune or rhyme.
• You’ll catch them saying, “I hear what you’re saying, please describe it in more detail”.

Visual Learners: There are two kinds of visual learners.

• Visual – linguistic learners tend to:
  • Learn through written language such as reading and writing.
  • More likely to remember tasks if they write them down, even if they don’t go back to read them again.
• Visual -Spatial learners tend to:
  •  Have difficulty with written language and do better with diagrams, demonstrations, videos, maps, colorful charts and visual aids.
  • A VS tends to gaze into ‘space’ in the middle of a conversation (much to a spouse’s or a teacher’s dismay) to ‘picture’ what is being said (this can appear disrespectful to other learning styles).
  • Find it easy to visualize faces and places.
  • Recall conversations based on where it happened.
  • Easily distracted.
  • Often choose to sit in the front of the class room
  •  They will comment, “I see what you’re saying”, “it’s clear cut”, “in light of”.

Kinesthetic Learners: Tend to:

• Learn by being involved, touching and/or moving.
• Remember what was done rather then what was said or seen.
• Have to move in order to concentrate.
• Easily distracted during a visual or auditory presentation. Will take notes so they can move their hands.
• Need to know the big picture first before getting the details.
• Having the space to draw pictures, doodle, shake their leg, chew gum and fidget while you communicate helps them hear and learn more effectively.
• Use gestures when speaking and stand close when speaking or listening.
• Often they are poor spellers and will write words to determine if they "feel" right.
• Tend to drive visual learners crazy with their constant movement.
• Attack problems and express frustration physically – they’re your door slammers and fist pounders.
• This group will say, “I’ve got a feeling about what you’re saying”, “come to grips with”.

You may see yourself and others you know exhibiting all three styles. This isn’t unusual. However, we all have a strong preference for one or two. The best way to discover your learning style is to take a test. (Your highest score is your dominant style. Your second score supports your dominant style). Once you became a student of the order of your style preferences, you’ll view people and communication differently. I found I was able to understand my responses, improve my ability to learn as well as my kids’, offer more grace, save time and be more effective at leading teams.

My next bog will focus on how to improve our marriages by understanding our learning style, and our spouses style.