Avoid Exasperating Your Toddler: Tips from the Bible | Brain Development

Being a parent of a toddler is one of the most rewarding experiences in life. Watching your little one grow and develop is both exciting and fulfilling. However, it can also be a challenging time, as your child learns to assert their independence and exercise their own will power. It’s not uncommon for parents to feel exasperated or frustrated during this stage, which is often referred to as the ‘terrible twos’. According to Dr. Jay Hoecker at Mayo Clinic, the term "terrible twos" has long been used to describe the changes that parents often observe in 2-year-old children. A parent may perceive this age as terrible because of the rapid shifts in a child's mood and behaviors — and the difficulty of dealing with them. One minute your child might be clinging to you, and the next he or she is running in the opposite direction.

When parents feel tired and frustrated it can lead to yelling, criticism, and even shaming, which can hurt our children's growing self-esteem and hinder their development. In this blog, we'll explore the biblical principle of avoiding exasperating your children and how it can guide us in nurturing our toddler's autonomy.

Ephesians 6:4

The Apostle Paul exhorts parents in Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." This admonition doesn't mean we should spoil our children or let them do whatever they please. It means that we should avoid provoking our toddlers to shame, doubt, anger or discouragement by our words, tone of voice, or actions. We should also provide them with Godly guidance, wisdom, and love. How can we apply this principle to our toddlers?

Avoid Exasperating by Creating Christ-centered Household

Parenting with a Christ-centered, not child-centered focus is essential for avoiding exasperation. As hectic as it can be to raise children and instill values in them, Proverbs 22:6 reminds us of the importance of teaching our kids according to God's ways so that even when they are older they will never depart from what we have taught them. It begins at home as parents cultivate faithfulness and trust God for wisdom on how best to nurture their little ones through tender discipline. Our children truly are divine gifts given by God and He expects parents to come together with one mission - nurturing their little ones' faith in Him. We will land up exasperating our little ones if we misuse our authority, discipline to meet our desires, and parent with unresolved childhood issues. We are called to use discipline techniques rooted in His love rather than just controlling unacceptable behaviors.

Avoid Exasperating by Understanding This Phase of Development

Erik Erickson has coined this stage of development as ‘Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt’. During the crucial 18 month to 3 year old stage of psychosocial development, children learn important skills that stay with them throughout their lives. As parents, we have a unique opportunity to nurture our little ones as they gain autonomy and independence - helping them develop positive self-images for adulthood. However, if we ignore, shame by constant correction or reject their efforts at exploration and decision making during this key period of growth we exasperate them which can lead to doubts/shame about themselves in future years.

Avoid Exasperating by Respecting Their Need for Autonomy

Photo by Harry Grout on Unsplash

One way to avoid exasperating our toddlers is by acknowledging and respecting their growing sense of autonomy. Toddlers are designed by God to discover their own preferences, abilities, and limitations. They need to explore, experiment, and express themselves. As parents, we can encourage their curiosity, creativity, and independence by providing them with age-appropriate toys, tasks, and choices. For example, we can let them feed themselves (Yes! it will get messy!) choose between two outfits, offer them simple tasks like putting away their toys, and praise them for their efforts.

Avoid Exasperating by Focusing on Their Efforts

We all want our toddlers to feel proud of themselves and their accomplishments, but did you know that focusing on the effort instead of just the result can make a big difference? Praising effort shows our little ones that their hard work and persistence are just as important as the end result. (Proverbs 14:23-24) It encourages them to keep trying, even if things don't go exactly as planned. By celebrating their effort and acknowledging their hard work, we build our toddler's self-esteem and confidence. So, next time your little one does something, take a moment to appreciate the effort they put in. Instead of just focusing on the result, let them know how proud you are of their hard work and determination.

Avoid Exasperating by Using Life-Giving Words

How we communicate to our toddler matter! “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4) King Solomon commended the value of wholesome speech and condemned the damage done by perverse speech. Positive speech nourishes the lives of others, but perverse speech can break their hearts. Toddlers may not have developed the ability to understand complex reasoning or express themselves clearly, but they can sense our tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. We should avoid speaking to them in a condescending, dismissive, or angry tone even when we discipline them. Instead, we can use simple and clear language, smile, and make eye contact with them. We can also listen to their needs, feelings, and feedback without judgment or interruption.

And, ah, the word "no." It's a word that all parents know well, but did you know that overusing it can have a negative impact on our little ones? A constant stream of "nos" can leave a toddler feeling discouraged and lacking in confidence. That's why it's essential to use positive language and offer alternatives whenever possible. Instead of shutting down their behavior with a flat "no," try redirecting their attention to something more appropriate. For example, if your toddler is reaching for a forbidden object, offer them a toy or activity that is more appropriate. This approach not only helps to minimize tantrums and power struggles, but it also empowers our toddlers by giving them choices and options.

Avoid Exasperating by Being Clear and Consistent

The Bible warns us against being double minded about your expectations. It causes confusion and frustration. Set clear and consistent boundaries for your toddler's safety, health, and well-being. Toddlers may not recognize danger, understand hygiene, or comprehend morality. Therefore, we need to guide them and teach them the rules of the house, the social norms, and the Godly principles of our faith. However, we can do it in a way that empowers them to make responsible choices and learn from their mistakes. For example, we can explain why it's important to wash their hands before eating, show them how to use a knife and fork, how to pray before meals, and praise them for sharing their toys.

Avoid Exasperating by Not Withdrawing Love

Toddlers are concrete so it’s essential to show our toddler love and affection in tangible ways. Toddlers are designed to need physical touch, verbal affirmation, and emotional connection with their parents, especially when we discipline them. We can hug, kiss, and cuddle them, tell them we love them, and spend quality time with them. We can also model love, forgiveness, and compassion in our relationship with them and with others. By doing so, we help them cultivate a healthy and secure attachment that will benefit them throughout their lives.

Being a parent to a toddler can be challenging, but it’s also one of the most rewarding experiences in life. With prayer, and Godly wisdom you can help your toddler navigate this exciting stage of development with autonomy, understanding, and positivity. Remember that your toddler is their own person, with their own desires and abilities. As a parent, your role is to nurture their need for autonomy while still providing healthy boundaries, life-giving words, clear boundaries and tangible acts of love. By doing so, you can avoid exasperating them which can be detrimental to their Spiritual and emotional well-being.

Do you have older children? Read more about this here: Ways to Train up a Child and 15 ways to Exasperate Your Children

Photo by Lubomirkin on Unsplash

The 'Terrific' Two's

Toddlers are realizing that they can be their 'own' person. As a new parent, I often wondered if I would ever sleep or eat a decent meal with other adults again. Parenting during the babyhood stage can be exhausting and lonely. I feel guilty about wishing that phase away. On the other hand, others, even strangers, were quick to remind me that the terrible twos were just around the corner!  Erik Erickson calls this the 'autonomy versus shame and doubt' stage, which builds on the earlier stage of 'trust versus mistrust' as well as lays the foundation for future stages to come. Children at this age increasingly fight for independence and strive to gain more control over what they do and how they do it. This makes them very busy as well as keeps their parents on their toes. When parents spur on their need for autonomy, children grow up to feel secure and confident. On the other hand, when parents stifle their toddler's attempts, they develop a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt. 

So yes, the twos were challenging and at times nerve-wracking. For me, the twos weren’t terrible, but ‘terrific’. I was in awe and marveled at the constant surprises and rapid learning that took place for both of us during this stage.

• As she slipped into one of my high-heeled shoes and tried to walk, she reminded me that she was learning to imitate and that I had the power to influence her.

• As she covered her face (and my carpet) with red lipstick, she reminded me that coloring outside the lines is fun.  

• As she repeatedly jumped into puddles and splashed water, she was discovering that her actions cause a reaction. She was letting me know that she was wired to learn through repetition and fun.

• As she learned to say ‘mommy’ and waited for me to respond, she was letting me know that she was learning about trust and hope.

• As she demanded to feed herself and made a mess, she was conveying her need to be independent. She was building self-confidence.  

• As she experienced hurt and had meltdowns, she learned to climb into my arms to be comforted and hugged. She was teaching me that I was important to make her feel safe.

• As she insisted on setting the dinner table, I saw a glimpse of a servant’s heart that I intentionally needed to nurture.

• As she began to fold her hands, bow her head and say a few ineligible words, she reminded me that she was learning to talk to her Heavenly Father.

The constant busyness and curiosity of a 2-year old can produce unique tension during this age and some might choose to view them as ‘challenges’.  I like to see them opportunities to help toddlers become independent confident people. In the middle of all the messiness and exhaustion, it's good to remember that it's just a phase - so let's not wish these precious 52 weeks away.