Avoid Exasperating Your Toddler: Tips from the Bible | Brain Development

Being a parent of a toddler is one of the most rewarding experiences in life. Watching your little one grow and develop is both exciting and fulfilling. However, it can also be a challenging time, as your child learns to assert their independence and exercise their own will power. It’s not uncommon for parents to feel exasperated or frustrated during this stage, which is often referred to as the ‘terrible twos’. According to Dr. Jay Hoecker at Mayo Clinic, the term "terrible twos" has long been used to describe the changes that parents often observe in 2-year-old children. A parent may perceive this age as terrible because of the rapid shifts in a child's mood and behaviors — and the difficulty of dealing with them. One minute your child might be clinging to you, and the next he or she is running in the opposite direction.

When parents feel tired and frustrated it can lead to yelling, criticism, and even shaming, which can hurt our children's growing self-esteem and hinder their development. In this blog, we'll explore the biblical principle of avoiding exasperating your children and how it can guide us in nurturing our toddler's autonomy.

Ephesians 6:4

The Apostle Paul exhorts parents in Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." This admonition doesn't mean we should spoil our children or let them do whatever they please. It means that we should avoid provoking our toddlers to shame, doubt, anger or discouragement by our words, tone of voice, or actions. We should also provide them with Godly guidance, wisdom, and love. How can we apply this principle to our toddlers?

Avoid Exasperating by Creating Christ-centered Household

Parenting with a Christ-centered, not child-centered focus is essential for avoiding exasperation. As hectic as it can be to raise children and instill values in them, Proverbs 22:6 reminds us of the importance of teaching our kids according to God's ways so that even when they are older they will never depart from what we have taught them. It begins at home as parents cultivate faithfulness and trust God for wisdom on how best to nurture their little ones through tender discipline. Our children truly are divine gifts given by God and He expects parents to come together with one mission - nurturing their little ones' faith in Him. We will land up exasperating our little ones if we misuse our authority, discipline to meet our desires, and parent with unresolved childhood issues. We are called to use discipline techniques rooted in His love rather than just controlling unacceptable behaviors.

Avoid Exasperating by Understanding This Phase of Development

Erik Erickson has coined this stage of development as ‘Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt’. During the crucial 18 month to 3 year old stage of psychosocial development, children learn important skills that stay with them throughout their lives. As parents, we have a unique opportunity to nurture our little ones as they gain autonomy and independence - helping them develop positive self-images for adulthood. However, if we ignore, shame by constant correction or reject their efforts at exploration and decision making during this key period of growth we exasperate them which can lead to doubts/shame about themselves in future years.

Avoid Exasperating by Respecting Their Need for Autonomy

Photo by Harry Grout on Unsplash

One way to avoid exasperating our toddlers is by acknowledging and respecting their growing sense of autonomy. Toddlers are designed by God to discover their own preferences, abilities, and limitations. They need to explore, experiment, and express themselves. As parents, we can encourage their curiosity, creativity, and independence by providing them with age-appropriate toys, tasks, and choices. For example, we can let them feed themselves (Yes! it will get messy!) choose between two outfits, offer them simple tasks like putting away their toys, and praise them for their efforts.

Avoid Exasperating by Focusing on Their Efforts

We all want our toddlers to feel proud of themselves and their accomplishments, but did you know that focusing on the effort instead of just the result can make a big difference? Praising effort shows our little ones that their hard work and persistence are just as important as the end result. (Proverbs 14:23-24) It encourages them to keep trying, even if things don't go exactly as planned. By celebrating their effort and acknowledging their hard work, we build our toddler's self-esteem and confidence. So, next time your little one does something, take a moment to appreciate the effort they put in. Instead of just focusing on the result, let them know how proud you are of their hard work and determination.

Avoid Exasperating by Using Life-Giving Words

How we communicate to our toddler matter! “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4) King Solomon commended the value of wholesome speech and condemned the damage done by perverse speech. Positive speech nourishes the lives of others, but perverse speech can break their hearts. Toddlers may not have developed the ability to understand complex reasoning or express themselves clearly, but they can sense our tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. We should avoid speaking to them in a condescending, dismissive, or angry tone even when we discipline them. Instead, we can use simple and clear language, smile, and make eye contact with them. We can also listen to their needs, feelings, and feedback without judgment or interruption.

And, ah, the word "no." It's a word that all parents know well, but did you know that overusing it can have a negative impact on our little ones? A constant stream of "nos" can leave a toddler feeling discouraged and lacking in confidence. That's why it's essential to use positive language and offer alternatives whenever possible. Instead of shutting down their behavior with a flat "no," try redirecting their attention to something more appropriate. For example, if your toddler is reaching for a forbidden object, offer them a toy or activity that is more appropriate. This approach not only helps to minimize tantrums and power struggles, but it also empowers our toddlers by giving them choices and options.

Avoid Exasperating by Being Clear and Consistent

The Bible warns us against being double minded about your expectations. It causes confusion and frustration. Set clear and consistent boundaries for your toddler's safety, health, and well-being. Toddlers may not recognize danger, understand hygiene, or comprehend morality. Therefore, we need to guide them and teach them the rules of the house, the social norms, and the Godly principles of our faith. However, we can do it in a way that empowers them to make responsible choices and learn from their mistakes. For example, we can explain why it's important to wash their hands before eating, show them how to use a knife and fork, how to pray before meals, and praise them for sharing their toys.

Avoid Exasperating by Not Withdrawing Love

Toddlers are concrete so it’s essential to show our toddler love and affection in tangible ways. Toddlers are designed to need physical touch, verbal affirmation, and emotional connection with their parents, especially when we discipline them. We can hug, kiss, and cuddle them, tell them we love them, and spend quality time with them. We can also model love, forgiveness, and compassion in our relationship with them and with others. By doing so, we help them cultivate a healthy and secure attachment that will benefit them throughout their lives.

Being a parent to a toddler can be challenging, but it’s also one of the most rewarding experiences in life. With prayer, and Godly wisdom you can help your toddler navigate this exciting stage of development with autonomy, understanding, and positivity. Remember that your toddler is their own person, with their own desires and abilities. As a parent, your role is to nurture their need for autonomy while still providing healthy boundaries, life-giving words, clear boundaries and tangible acts of love. By doing so, you can avoid exasperating them which can be detrimental to their Spiritual and emotional well-being.

Do you have older children? Read more about this here: Ways to Train up a Child and 15 ways to Exasperate Your Children

Photo by Lubomirkin on Unsplash

Strengthen Your Marriage With the Science of Laughter | Blog by Kal Otis

We've all heard the phrase "laughter is the best medicine," but did you know that it can also be the key to a successful marriage? Many studies have shown that couples who share a sense of humor and laughter in their relationship have stronger bonds and happier marriages. In fact, science even supports that laughter has positive effects on our bodies and minds - from releasing feel-good neurotransmitters to reducing stress hormones. So, if you want to strengthen your relationship and enjoy a happy, long-lasting marriage, it's time to start taking laughter seriously.

The Science of Laughter

From the moment we are born, our brain is hardwired to form deep attachments with others. This drive for attachment is so strong that it becomes the most important thing in our lives. When we form deep connections with others, we experience an overwhelming sense of joy and fulfillment. Conversely, when those attachments are not formed or are broken, we can feel extreme pain and despair.

As infants, we form these attachments because we are completely dependent on others for our survival. Although we may not remember these early experiences, they are crucial in building the neural circuitry that shapes our relationships throughout our lifetime. Surprisingly, by the time we reach 12-18 months old, these experiences have already encoded the neural circuitry in our brains. These patterns become the ‘rules’, schemas, and templates for how we relate to others for the rest of our lives.

It is important to recognize the profound impact that our earliest relational experiences have on us. These experiences shape the very foundation of our relationships and can influence how we interact with others for our entire lives. By understanding this, we can work to build positive, healthy attachments with others and work to heal any past wounds that may be impacting our current relationships.

The Power of Positive Emotions

Emotions are an incredibly powerful force in our lives, and they are, in fact, a form of energy. Science shows that when it comes to forming attachments, the human brain has two primary ways of bonding: through joy or through fear. Our emotions exist on a continuum, with love at one end and fear at the other. And interestingly, the emotions closest to love include joy, appreciation, happiness, contentment, and satisfaction, while the ones closest to fear are hatred, insecurity, jealousy, and greed.

But what's even more fascinating is that science has found that love and fear have vastly different vibrational frequencies, and these frequencies can be measured. Love vibrates at an incredibly fast rate, whereas fear-based emotions, such as jealousy, possessiveness, hatred, and greed, vibrate very slowly. So, when we love completely and unconditionally, there is simply no room for fear. The vibrations of love are so powerful that they fill us with joy and positivity at all times.

This means that the more we focus on love and positivity, the more our brain will naturally form healthy and strong attachments. By cultivating feelings of joy, contentment, and satisfaction, we can wire our brains to seek out positive experiences and relationships. On the other hand, when we allow fear and negativity to take hold, we risk forming unhealthy and potentially damaging attachments based on insecurity and jealousy. So, if you want to build a strong and meaningful relationship, sharing laughter and joy is the key to strengthening your emotional bond because it creates a more positive environment for your relationship to thrive.

The Benefits of Humor in Marriage

When we laugh, our brains release dopamine and serotonin, two essential neurotransmitters that regulate our 'feel-good' emotions. These chemicals make us feel happy, relaxed, and more open to bonding with others. Moreover, laughter has been shown to reduce cortisol, the stress hormone that can wreak havoc on our bodies and minds. So, by laughing together, couples can not only boost their mood but also reduce tension, defensiveness and conflict in their relationship. Moreover, couples who share a sense of humor tend to have more fun together, enjoy a greater sense of closeness, and are better equipped to handle stress and challenges in their relationship.

Tips for Adding More Laughter to Your Marriage

If you want to incorporate more laughter and humor into your marriage, here are some tips to get started:

1. Walk in each other’s shoes: Seek to understand, and develop compassion as well as empathy for your spouse.

2. Share jokes or funny stories: Take the time to share jokes or funny stories with each other. It can be a simple way to lighten the mood and create moments of joy in your marriage.

3. Create inside jokes: Develop your own inside jokes that are unique to your relationship. These inside jokes can be a source of shared laughter and connection between you and your partner.

4. Plan regular date nights: Make it a priority to plan regular date nights that are centered around fun and laughter. Go to a funny movie, play board games, or engage in other activities that you both enjoy and that make you laugh.

5. Embrace silliness and playfulness: Allow yourselves to be silly and playful with each other. Playful banter, tickling, or engaging in playful pranks can add an element of fun and laughter to your marriage.

6. Incorporate humor into your communication: Use humor in your everyday communication with your partner. Share funny anecdotes or use light-hearted humor to diffuse tense situations.

7. Practice gratitude and appreciation: Expressing gratitude and appreciation towards each other can create a positive atmosphere in your marriage, leading to more laughter and joy.

8. Surround yourselves with positive and humorous people: Spend time with friends or family members who have a good sense of humor and enjoy laughter. Being around positive and humorous people can help create a fun and joyful environment in your marriage.

9. Learn to laugh at yourselves: Don't be afraid to laugh at your own mistakes or flaws. Embrace self-deprecating humor and learn to find humor in your own imperfections, which can bring you closer together as a couple.

   Laughter truly is the best medicine for a happy and successful marriage. By understanding the science of laughter and its positive effects on our mood and relationships, couples can use humor as a powerful tool to strengthen their emotional bond and create a more positive atmosphere in their relationship. So, make laughter a priority in your marriage and enjoy all the benefits that come with sharing a good laugh with your partner.

How to Master Active Recall with 6 Simple Strategies

With exams looming, it is easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of material you must learn. But don't worry! By using active recall, a technique that has been scientifically proven to help students remember more, you can make your study session more effective and efficient.

 What is Active Recall? Active recall is an evidence-based process that uses repetition and spaced practice to help strengthen your memory and knowledge retention. Basically, think strengthen your brain muscles by creating a workout session!

Read on for 6 simple Active Recall strategies that will help you master active recall.

1. Make and Use Flashcards:  Flashcards are perhaps the oldest and most tried-and-true method of mastering active recall. First, create flashcards with questions or prompts on one side and answers on the other. Then, go through them one at a time, first looking at only the question or prompt and attempting to answer from memory before looking at the answer. After reading the answer carefully, put the card away for later review.

2. Have a Friend Verbally Test You Verbal testing is an effective way of activating your recall process—especially in groups where each individual can take turns being tested by their peers. Have a friend read questions out loud one-by-one while you attempt to answer them without looking at any notes or reference materials. This strategy helps sharpen your memory as well as test your knowledge in real time so that you become familiar with how information is presented during exams or tests. 

3. 1.     Read Questions / Prompts and Write Answers on Paper Writing out answers forces us to actively engage with material rather than just passively read it over and over again until we memorize it by rote learning techniques. Before looking at the answers, read each question or prompt carefully then pause and think before writing what comes to mind immediately - even if it feels like “the information is on the tip of your tongue” - resist the temptation to look at the answer! Once you write down what comes to mind, check your work against the actual answer written in your notes or reference materials.  

4. Take Multiple Practice Quizzes Answering practice questions helps us become comfortable with different types of exam formats—multiple choice, true/false, fill in the blank—and is an excellent way of testing our knowledge of concepts we thought we had mastered but may need further review upon closer examination.

5. Digital Quiz Tools: There are tons of digital quiz tools available online that facilitate active recall taking into account all different types of quiz formats. These digital quiz tools can also be shared among friends who can use them together remotely making studying more fun & interactive experience!

6. Fill-in-Blanks: Fill-in-the-blanks is a great way to memorize facts quickly because they force us actually think about what goes into that missing spot rather than just rote learning information without really understanding why something belongs there instead of somewhere else. 

Active recall is an incredibly effective tool for mastering complex concepts quickly & efficiently. By utilizing these six simple strategies - design study materials, verbal testing, writing answers, practice quizzes, digital quiz tools & fill-in blanks - students & young professionals alike can easily incorporate active recall into their study sessions while improving their overall performance & understanding! Happy studying!

Photo by Uday Mittal on Unsplash

Parent tips on teenage brain development and learning style

Your high school student is under a lot of pressure. We typically expect them to make sound (adult) decisions about their future college and career path, without their adult, decision-making part of the brain fully functioning. As a parent, you have a huge role in easing the pressure and giving them the experiences they need to facilitate healthy brain development, so they have what they need to make mature decisions in the future.

What do repeated experiences do for the brain?

From the time a baby is born until it reaches approximately 25 years of age, with each stage of development, the brain offers a limited but powerful window to create pathways used throughout a person's lifetime. Pathways forge when new experiences are introduced and repeated or practiced. Who we become as an adult depends on the experiences the brain receives when it is developing. Since your student's prefrontal cortex is developing now, he or she must receive the experiences they need during this window of opportunity to help them grow a healthy brain for the future.

What does brain development mean for your student?

The prefrontal cortex is the brain's decision-making part that gives us the ability to plan and think about the consequences of our actions. It also helps us solve problems and control our impulses. In its absence, your student has to rely on the amygdala to make decisions. This part of the brain is associated with emotions, impulses, aggression, and risk-taking behaviors, which is why you might have a student who is dramatic, moody, or irrational.

How can parents help in healthy teen brain development?

During this development time, parents can work on being safe and supportive as their students make amygdala-based decisions. They can also proactively introduce experiences that begin to engage the prefrontal cortex to forge healthy pathways. Additionally, it affords your student to experience the differences in outcome when decisions are made using two different parts of the brain.

Support, don't fix

Parents tend to take over or jump in with advice to prevent their students from failing or making poor choices. When we fix their problems, we rob their brain of the kind of experiences they need to grow an adult brain. Instead, be a safe and supportive person they can come to when needed. Additionally, create a safe place for your student to experience the consequences of their poor choices. In other words, let them pay for their speeding ticket, go to school without their lunch because they slept through their alarm, contact their school counselor to switch classes, make that dreaded phone call to their coach, etc.

Affirm, don't conform

Do you know that one of the most significant opportunities this stage of brain development offers is for your student to become functionally smarter? This is one of the reasons why students need to discover on their own which experiences result in sound as well as poor learning choices.

I'm often saddened to learn that parents have unknowingly wasted precious time during this stage trying to conform their students to their personal learning style. When we put pressure on them to use our learning techniques to study, plan and stay organized, we rob their brains of the opportunity to discover how they can become functionally smarter. Every person has their own unique learning style and as parents, we need to learn how to recognize and affirm it in our students.

You can help them develop their own learning strategies by allowing them to use trial and error to see what yields the best results. Some may prefer to read out loud, while others can shave their learning time in half by being part of a group discussion or by creating elaborate graphics to connect concepts. Some might need the environment to be quiet, while others need white noise in the background. Some may need a clean desk while other a cluttered one. If you want to learn more about this, we offer free learning style consultations.

Suppose we want to raise students who succeed in college and grow up to become independent, responsible adults. In that case, it is crucial to understand, support, and provide what their brain needs during this stage of development.

Parents, are you considering gifting your child a cell phone for Christmas? Things to Consider..

It’s Christmas…that means gifts! For most preteens and teens, it’s a perfect opportunity to beg their parents for a cell phone. Granted, a cell phone comes with an expensive monetary tag but it also has the potential to cost your son or daughter more than you realize- emotionally, psychologically, socially as well as physically. Here are a few things to consider before you give this expensive gift to your child.

It’s more than a cell phone! The fact is, today’s cell phones are smart phones. It’s an instrument that houses all things ‘technological’. It not only allows you talk (I know you want your child to call home and check-in) but also text, access music, take, receive and send pictures, receive IM’s from all kinds of other devises, surf the web for good as well as damaging content, engage with social media, game, be bullied or engage in bullying, meet strangers, watch videos. Yikes! That’s a lot of ‘horse power’ at the tip of our children’s fingers!

As parents, we try to prepare our kids for every milestone in their lives. We may even fight against their arguments to drive, drink or marry before they can handle the responsibility. A smart phone requires the same diligence them for its use. Based on age and maturity, it is important to plan and prepare for technological milestones that support child development to avoid expensive mistakes that might have a life long impact on your child. Like everything else in life, our kids need to be trained, educated and supervised to develop healthy technology habits.

Don’t gift it! I might have ruffled your feathers when I said – “don’t gift it”. There goes your Christmas gift idea. Think about it for a moment. When you gift someone something you can’t take it back. Once the gift leaves your hands, you give up the right to tell the person how to use it. Instead, your child needs to know that you own it and you’re allowing him or her to use it with guidelines in place as a privilege and to gain freedom. They may roll their eyes at you and scream at how unfair you are – it’s okay. Your child is more likely to strive to earn your trust by respecting your expectations since they want continued use of your phone – in the process they will learn how to handle technology at a pace you set.

Set limits- the brain needs it! Technology has a profound impact on attention span as well as how children think and feel. Dopamine, a powerful neurotransmitter produced in the brain, influences our attention span, motivation, likes and dislikes, along with other important functions. We feel rewarded when we use and interact with technology because it releases dopamine. This creates a strong need to continuously use technology to feel rewarded. God has created our brains to feel pleasure, but without limits, the release of dopamine can cause unhealthy emotional dependencies and addictions. Since your child’s brain is still developing it’s important to set daily ‘time’ and ‘content’ limits. As parents, we are called to teach our kids how to guard their hearts (Proverbs 4:23). Do your homework and make a list of all your expectations that reflect Godly decisions to safeguard your child’s heart, mind and soul. List them and create a contract (include verses). Go over it and have him or her sign it.  Here are a few things to consider:

• Which Apps, or types of Apps are not acceptable?

• Where does the phone charge at night? Growing bodies need uninrrupted sleep for the body and mind to be healthy and develop. Our brains need sleep to repair and reboot for each new day. The best place is your room.

• What time frames are acceptable for all family members to use or not use technology?

• What type of gaming is acceptable? Be aware that the ESRB ratings may not always line up with your preferred value for each stage EC (early childhood), E (everyone), E10+ (everyone over 10. T (teen) and M (mature).

• Which monitoring software will you install to monitor activity? Don’t assume they know what pitfalls to avoid. Make sure you affirm them for making positive choices and discuss the impact their poor choices will have.

• How frequently will you verbally check-in with your child to find out how things are going? Stay consistent to keep dialogue going and earn trust.

• What consequences will your child have when he or she violates the contract? Clearly share them with your child so that consequences will make them act less impulsively.

• How will you restore your relationship with each other once trust is broken?

• How will you measure maturity to give them more freedom?

• What are your cell usage expectations when they drive? (You can monitor this via available software).

• Technology is like a living, breathing organism: It’s changing all the time. Become a student of it so you’re able to understand what your child has the potential to be exposed to and what limits you need to set.

• Once your preteen or teen is exposed to pornography commit to seeing a counselor. This is something I deal with regularly with broken-hearted parents. Pornography has a huge impact on a developing brain that impacts social and emotional development. Contrary to what you might think – this is not an easy fix.

• We are designed to build others up not tear them down. Talk about what messages are considered bullying as well as why they should not bully someone else.

  Additionally, as you set limits, make sure you’re also intentional about asking them to exercise, do outdoor activities and socialize - the brain needs it!

There is a fine line between imposing limits to control behavior versus using age and maturity appropriate limits to build character in our children. Setting technology boundaries is an opportunity for parents to help their children build character to instill internally owned values so they learn to make healthy choices independently one day.

Related article - 15 Ways to Help Your Teen Grow A Healthy Brian

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Making the Most of Family Rhythms: Faith Development in Newborns & Preschoolers

My grandbabies love playing in water. It’s their all-time favorite summer activity! A few years back I created a ‘water container’ that contains all the things that can enhance as well as spark their imagination while playing with water. When they were toddlers, they enjoyed placing a dry sponge in water. I was amazed at the amount of time they spent hovering around it, watching it absorb the water, while wholeheartedly giggling and laughing. I was overcome with joy at their ability to find delight in the trivial, and sad at how one day, like me, they would question what happened to their diminished sense of wonder.

But I know that their sense of awe serves a very strong purpose during these years. Brain development suggests that the first 9 months, followed by the next 3 years are the most critical. Everything that a person needs, to be all that they can be, happens during these years. The brain is storing information that will be used later. In other words, their brains are sponges - soaking and storing! Their deep sense of wonder makes this world their classroom. Every moment and experience is a teachable moment. Information input to the brain will never be as optimal as it is during this phase, and this happens through their five senses. So how can we capitalize on what is naturally happening during this phase?

First, discover what’s missing….

It’s easy to think of the “how-to’s” we teach every day – how to eat with a fork, how to play safely, how to brush your teeth, how to get dressed, how to walk, how to talk… However, what is often overlooked in the crazy pace of parenthood are the spiritual needs of our children. Maybe it’s because these needs are invisible. Experts say that children start living out their values at the age of two. Their sense of wonder coupled with their spongy brain makes this time frame the easiest time to shape their beliefs because they’re teachable.

When?
If you had asked me as a young mom to add something to my schedule I would’ve had an instant, ugly breakdown. Six weeks into my motherhood journey I was aghast to discover that my supermom cape didn’t come with an ‘Energizer Battery’.  Looking back, I wish someone had opened my heart and mind to understanding Deuteronomy 6:7-8. There is freedom is knowing we don’t need to find additional times in our day to pass on our faith to our children, but instead, we do it as we do life with them each day.

How?
We all wake up, eat, sleep, drive and hang together. We all do those things in the rhythm of our day, and God is just telling us to maximize them by incorporating faith into your ‘beats’:

• Talk to your baby/preschooler about God during these ‘beats’. I have found that bath, drive/walk, play and cuddle times are the easiest.

• Avoid feeling overwhelmed by choosing one thing to do each week. Be intentional about adding more, over time.

• Point out and link faith to everyday things. ‘God made (name of person or thing).

• Keep it short and sweet. Drop the details.

• Pick and share a few Biblical truths – ‘God made you’ and ‘God loves you’.

• Repeat truths and stories over and over again. You might get bored with repetition (I do!), but the brain thrives on repetition to make permanent connections.

• Keep it informal.

• Model it – faith is taught not caught. Model praying and reading your Bible. ntroduce them to love (not anger) – God is love. So how does a baby or preschooler define love? I posed t his very question to the parents at one of my parenting classes. They were stumped. Babies and preschoolers are sensory learners – they’re asking what love feels, sounds, smells, tastes and looks like? In light of this, what does your family life convey? It’s easy to assume that babies don’t understand what’s happening in the far corner of your homes – but studies show that their lack of inhibitory transmitters makes them more acutely aware, as well as sensitive to everything around them compared to adults.o Their spongy brain is soaking it in. As parents, when we lovingly embrace their physical and emotional needs, we help them understand love and introduce them to their Heavenly Father. With kind words, we introduce them to God’s love. With warm hugs, we show them what God’s love feels like. When we feed them we demonstrate God’s care and provision. When we protect them, we illustrate God’s protection….

Additionally, consider:

• At drive time, listen to children's worship music and sing together.

• At cuddle time, read a book, share Biblical truths and pray.

• At walk time, talk about God's creation. Stop, watch, listen and feel nature together.

• At play and bath time, reenact Bible stories using figurines.

Parents, no one has more potential, including the church, to impact your children spirituality more than you do. Your time is valuable, but limited. Your intentionality can reap a harvest, especially during the first 4 years of your child’s life. So how will you use your daily beats to convince your little ones that God made them, God loves them, and He is with them?

Your Changing Teenager & What They Need From You

It happened overnight…twice! It happened once with our daughter Missy and then seven years later with our son Chad. The first time it occurred we were convinced it wasn’t going to happen to us so when it did, we weren’t ready. We expected it the second time around, which paved a way for a different experience.  

All parents reach the point when they wonder who kidnapped their perfectly well behaved and parent-loving child. The shift in parent-child relationship is painful, confusing and often surfaces old pain stored in a parents’ memory. Between the ages of 12 to 18, children experience a crisis that Erik Erickson terms as ‘identity vs. role diffusion’. When younger, children understand that they have no power and that adults do. This allows them to align themselves with those adults as a way to share some of that power and status. Now, they want power for themselves with the same people that they’ve been subordinate to for the first twelve-plus years of their life.  It’s not okay to be someone’s child…they want to be their own person. In an effort to discover who they are, there’s a natural tendency to separate from their parents and seek psychological autonomy.  As parents, it’s important to accept the fact that ‘pulling away’ is totally natural; and to prepare our hearts to live in that tension so we can make the most of what’s happening during this phase.

The power of safe space and natural consequences: During this phase, kids go through the process of self-realization to determine who they’ll be as individuals and ultimately as adults. They begin to show interest in things that are different and often opposite of those of their parents. This gives them the ability to evaluate and measure these new experiences against their familiar childhood lifestyle to help them discern what’s uniquely valuable to them. This time-period of pulling away produces high levels of fear, anxiety and feelings of failure in parents. Though difficult, I had to learn how to disconnect what my children were going through from what I was feeling. Their search for a personal and separate identity was natural but I found myself feeling like a failure when I saw them making choices that didn’t reflect how I’d raised them. Instead of trusting what I had instilled in Missy when she was young, I found myself fighting against the choices she was making and over-controlling her by placing unrealistic rules in place that made her feel un-trusted and punished. Seven years later, Chad had realistic boundaries in place, which gave him a safe environment to process, fail and develop. In Chad’s words, “Missy was a recipient of punishments while I learned lessons from natural consequences (which were often painful) and received little or no punishment.” Teens need a lot of guidance and support but want the freedom to come to their parents rather than receive unsolicited advice. They’re also less likely to rebel against parents when they experience natural and realistic consequences for their actions. Often, Chad intentionally would ask some shocking questions, just to test the waters. Staying calm in the middle of scary conversations offers our children the assurance that we’re not easily disappointed and that we’re committed to them through thick and thin.

The power of community: I fell into what I believe is one of the most costly parenting traps. I bought into the lie that I was the only ‘one’ that my children needed. I’ve come to realize that because of the what ‘identity verse role diffusion’ entails a parent’s voice will become soft during these years which makes it extremely vital for us to intentionally posture other trusting adults who will echo what we believe during these years. Something beautiful happens in the process... our kids learn the value of community. As I watch my adult daughter struggle, I wish I had figured out how to give her what my son had – a community of loving and invested adults who were committed to being present for him. Today, I admire the fact that my son loves community and knows how to be community. He takes the time to build relationships as well as reaches out to others with ease and transparency when he needs support, prayer and advice.  As parents, we need to accept the fact that other adults are essential and are not a threat to our children or us. Before our son hit adolescence we became intentional about being present for other teens. We found ourselves being more patient and understanding with Chad because of our unfolding experiences with those teens.  Now years later, as empty nesters, my husband and I continue to find deep joy and purpose by creating safe places for those that wrestle through these years.

The power of forgiveness and transparency: One day, when my kids were still young, my son challenged me about knowing something with more accuracy than I did. I was 100% confident that I was correct. Well, it turns out that I was wrong. I remember how difficult it was to ask for forgiveness, especially because he laughed at me after I lost the bet. What he didn’t realize is that he triggered a childhood memory that evoked a severe reaction from me. Something that had the potential to be a meaningful memory turned into a nightmare. We forget that our kids have a front row seat into our lives and are absorbing the good, the bad and the ugly of our parenting till they hit the phase. As they try to gain independence and establish their own value system they openly start voicing their opinions about what they’ve experienced thus far. Partly because this is how they gain independence, and mostly because they’re trying to understand why we did what we did to parent them. It’s important to give our children the space to respectfully share their feedback. This might mean hearing some unpleasant things about ourselves, admitting our failures and asking for forgiveness. My husband’s ability to be transparent and ask for forgiveness from our son has had a huge impact on Chad. Now as a young adult, Chad finds himself modeling the same thing with his friends and co-workers.
We also need to be mindful of our own triggers that impact how we parent through this phase. I saw myself in my daughter’s behavior and that stirred up a lot of pain that I had shelved. Her behavior caused me to project my own rebellious and regretful history into Missy’s future and I assumed that she’d repeat my mistakes. I did her a disservice by failing to separate my experience from hers. I began to parent her with fear instead of using it as an opportunity to be transparent about my own poor choices and the regret it brought me. It was about her and I made it about me.

Parenting is not easy. By anticipating and preparing our hearts for the unique tensions that exists during adolescence, we can confidently help our children and others, navigate their pursuit for an independent identity that reflects the values we hold close to our hearts.

The 'Terrific' Two's

Toddlers are realizing that they can be their 'own' person. As a new parent, I often wondered if I would ever sleep or eat a decent meal with other adults again. Parenting during the babyhood stage can be exhausting and lonely. I feel guilty about wishing that phase away. On the other hand, others, even strangers, were quick to remind me that the terrible twos were just around the corner!  Erik Erickson calls this the 'autonomy versus shame and doubt' stage, which builds on the earlier stage of 'trust versus mistrust' as well as lays the foundation for future stages to come. Children at this age increasingly fight for independence and strive to gain more control over what they do and how they do it. This makes them very busy as well as keeps their parents on their toes. When parents spur on their need for autonomy, children grow up to feel secure and confident. On the other hand, when parents stifle their toddler's attempts, they develop a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt. 

So yes, the twos were challenging and at times nerve-wracking. For me, the twos weren’t terrible, but ‘terrific’. I was in awe and marveled at the constant surprises and rapid learning that took place for both of us during this stage.

• As she slipped into one of my high-heeled shoes and tried to walk, she reminded me that she was learning to imitate and that I had the power to influence her.

• As she covered her face (and my carpet) with red lipstick, she reminded me that coloring outside the lines is fun.  

• As she repeatedly jumped into puddles and splashed water, she was discovering that her actions cause a reaction. She was letting me know that she was wired to learn through repetition and fun.

• As she learned to say ‘mommy’ and waited for me to respond, she was letting me know that she was learning about trust and hope.

• As she demanded to feed herself and made a mess, she was conveying her need to be independent. She was building self-confidence.  

• As she experienced hurt and had meltdowns, she learned to climb into my arms to be comforted and hugged. She was teaching me that I was important to make her feel safe.

• As she insisted on setting the dinner table, I saw a glimpse of a servant’s heart that I intentionally needed to nurture.

• As she began to fold her hands, bow her head and say a few ineligible words, she reminded me that she was learning to talk to her Heavenly Father.

The constant busyness and curiosity of a 2-year old can produce unique tension during this age and some might choose to view them as ‘challenges’.  I like to see them opportunities to help toddlers become independent confident people. In the middle of all the messiness and exhaustion, it's good to remember that it's just a phase - so let's not wish these precious 52 weeks away.

How To Make The Most of Preschool Years

Like a kid in a candy store I was eagerly awaiting Friday. I was so excited I had butterflies in my stomach.  My three preschool aged grandkids were coming over and I couldn’t wait to spend time with them.
Friday finally arrived. Three energetic and loud grandkids came bouncing into our home and the next few days became a blur. To be honest, within a few short, but what seemed like long hours I wanted to take the ‘batteries’ out of them! They showed no signs of weakening while both my husband and I were wondering how we were going to get through the next few days with the level of energy the kids promised to demand of us. As a grandparent, it’s easy to forget the amount of ‘work’ preschoolers are.  That night I silently asked God to give me the energy and perspective I needed to make the most of our time together. I knew from experience that time would evaporate and someday I would miss all the things preschool years bring, not only to them but also to me!

Brain development suggests that though preschool years are ‘work’ and might appear insignificant, but what our kids need as well as what we do for them every week helps establish life-long values.

1. When they’re eager to help and can’t wait to wash the dishes, set the table, sweep the floor, dress themselves as well as use the potty, it’s a reminder that they’re designed to find significance by working.

2. While they exert independence and demand ‘me do’, it might feel like we’ve lost control, but it’s a reminder that they need us to build their confidence by affirming their efforts as well as make them feel safe when they fail.

3. When bedtime becomes a war and their excuses outweigh our patience, their very rapidly growing bodies are relying on us to ensure they get proper rest.

4. When their unfiltered words leave us stunned as well as stumped, it’s a reminder that the foundation for future vocabulary is being built now and that words are experiments that evoke reaction more than having meaning.

5. When they navigate our cell phone and I-pad faster than we do, it’s a reminder that they’re drawn to screen time and that we need to set boundaries so they have positive exposure and develop healthy habits.

6. When we see them do a lot of 'firsts' and we recognize that with every blink they’re growing up faster than we want them to, it’s a reminder that their brain is designed to create new connections and pathways faster than any other stage of life.  They need us to introduce and REPEAT new and positive experiences NOW.

7. When they’re excited to see our friends as well as other familiar faces, it’s a reminder that they need a loving community of people to give them a sense of belonging.

8. When we introduce them to their body and teach them their proper names (including their private parts) we help them create a positive view of their body.

9. When their play dough and crayon creations drastically vary from day to day, it’s a reminder that they live in the present and art is an expression of how they feel now.

10. When they insist on playing and we’re too busy to engage, they’re trying to tell us they want to feel ‘connected’.

11. They might surprise us by using adult vocabulary while still having temper-tantrums and meltdowns... it’s a reminder that they really don’t know how to regulate emotions in spite of their adult-like behavior.

12. When they get sick and throw up and we can’t stomach the smell or mess, they just want us to hold them so they feel better.

13. When they spill and break things they want us to be patient with them and know that they’re learning how to control their fine and large muscles.

14. When you catch them talking, acting and imitating everything we do, it’s a reminder that what we model has more power than what we demand them to do.

15. When they enter the world of imagination and the kitchen towel becomes a super-hero cape and our living room furniture is converted to a tall building, they’re begging us to give them space to explore without ridicule.

16. When they bombard us with a series of ‘whys’, it might be annoying but it’s a reminder that they’re eager to discover how the world works and they trust us to keep their sense of wonder alive!

17. When they're older and alone and you find them sucking their thumb as well as twisting the corner of their funky smelling blanket … it’s a reminder that they still need YOU to make them feel safe and secure.

18. When they test our limits and we respond consistently with discipline and love, we make them feel safe as well as teach them to trust authority.

19. In spite of our best efforts to trick them into something new, when they insist on watching the same video or reading the same book repeatedly, they’re trying to feel safe by experiencing a familiar story.

20. When we're sleep deprived and exhausted it's a reminder that we need to surround ourselves with a community of people that can help us through this phase because our preschoolers need a healthy version of us. 

Trust me, even though it seems impossible now, you will get through this phase - I did. From experience I can vouch that it's easy to lose sight of the powerful opportunities every day brings to shape our preschooler when we're busy parenting.  The fact is, in 260 weeks the preschool phase will end...the things they do and how we respond to them during those weeks are building blocks for a strong future foundation, even though we may not see the results now. 

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Charles' Marathon Journey: Developing a New Talent

About 15 years ago two of our close friends ran the Chicago Marathon. It made a monumental impact on my husband, Charles. It had never occurred to either one of us that an average human being could run 26.2 miles for absolutely no good reason accept to do it!

Inspired by their accomplishment, in the winter of 2006, Charles began “training” to run the marathon. To everyone that knew Charles, it appeared as a totally random decision, especially because he had never run a competitive race in his life. In fact, he hated running. The only time he ever ran was if he was either being chased, or, messed up on an athletic field and was being punished! Six weeks into his training, he broke his left leg with a stress fracture. But this didn’t deter him from trying again. The following August, he started to train again and to his dismay, he broke his right leg with another stress fracture. His orthopedic Dr told him to give up running and take up swimming.

In November 2016, we attended a business conference in Nashville where Dave Ramsey, the Financial Peace Guru, was one of the keynote speakers. Dave shared a personal story of how he had announced to a co-worker that he was training to run a half marathon. His co-worker was shocked to hear that Dave was considering running a half marathon not a full one since it wasn’t like Dave to do “half of anything”. This sparked and re-ignited something in Charles’ heart. Six months later, I was invited to speak at a church in Salt Lake City where we had the opportunity to connect with one of Charles’ ex-boss and close friend, Mark. Mark has my total respect! He not only served in the US Army as a Ranger in the first Gulf War but has also had a huge impact on my husband’s personal leadership development. When we arrived at his home we where surprised to see Mark in a cast walking around with a peg leg. We shortly discovered that he was 6 weeks out of his 6th surgery to repair a spiral fracture in his right foot, which he suffered in a 65 foot fall while ice-climbing in December 2015. Mark not only survived the fall, but hiked back to his car. He called his wife, who “encouraged” him to make a visit to the hospital. A complete exam was done, x-rays and MRI’s revealed no damage! Not a broken bone, not a scratch! Mark continued to live life as usual though he continued to experience pain. . Mark persevered through the pain and ran 40 Spartan races in 2016 while fighting cancer and receiving chemo. At the end of the race season, he was in the top 13% in the world as a Spartan competitor! Through a series of other issues, he finally diagnosed with a spiral fracture in his foot. Spiral fractures just don’t heal on their own and six surgeries later, included a bone graft/transplant, Mark is finally recovering. I’m truly humbled at Mark’s display of perseverance and determination as well as in awe at what the human body is capable of enduring.

Both Dave and Marks’ stories served as ignition stories for Charles and inspired him to revisit the idea of fulfilling one of his dreams to run the marathon. I’m proud to say that he not only fulfilled his dream in October 2017 but has gone on to run more than a few marathons! So how did he do it?

You might be thinking to yourself, great story Kal, but how does this apply to developing new talents, and brain development?

First, like Charles and many others who have defied the odds, we need an ignition story that sparks, fuels and helps us fall helplessly in love with a future passion! It’s the spark that lights our heart and mind to say, ‘I can do this’. Second the brain needs to forge new pathways. The brain is an amazing muscle that has plasticity. A child’s brain is more plastic then adults. Because the brain has plasticity, when it’s injured it will attempt to find new ways to reroute messages. The same principle applies to learning a new skill or talent. This is done by a 3-step process that helps make the brain smarter.  This allows the newly developing talent to become easier, smoother and faster, which makes it enjoyable rather than cumbersome.

Step 1: Persevere. The brain needs us to practice more of what we want and less of what we don’t want. Practice does make perfect. The more we practice the more we build ‘highways’ of neuron connections for that activity or skill. Perseverance is key especially in the face of learning a new skill that might feel super slow, unfamiliar and weird at the onset. Neuroscience tells us that we must persevere and practice the new skill or habit for at least 8 weeks for a new skill to become easy and inherent. Learn to think differently and be transformed by renewing your mindsets. (Romans 12:2) as well, guard yourself from growing weary.
          Charles started reading Marathon, The ultimate Training Guide by Hal Higdon, which proved to be an excellent resource throughout his training. He began by changing his daily eating, sleeping and exercise routines as well as persevered through the temptation of reverting back to unhealthy habits. Over the course of Charles’ training, he also persevered because of small victories along the way, which built confidence. This confidence motivated him to push himself to do more, when he really just wanted to stop from either boredom or pain.

Step 2: Repeat: Thinking doesn’t create a skill, repeated practice does. The brain is wired to retain what you practice repeatedly – it becomes permanent. This is true or both good and bad habits. When we repeat something over and over again, the brain produces myelin, which is a protective coating that forms around neuron pathways in the brain. It’s like the insulation around copper wire. With repetition, more myelin is produced which allows signals to move faster, smoother and effortlessly. You start enjoying your new skill when this happens.
          And as the miles increased, Charles would repeat to himself, just one more step, one more block, just one more mile…until he finished the workout.  I remember his comment after he completed the longest run of his life, 8 miles, “I can’t imagine running half a marathon, never mind a full 26.2 miles!’ Weeks later, running 8 miles was not only a breeze but enjoyable.

Step 3: Visualize. There are images that work their way into our hearts (Ezekiel 14:1-5). Without a vision people perish. God has a greater vision for us than we have for ourselves. Visualize yourself performing the skill – see, feel and hear yourself doing the new skill – it brings hope to the heart. Also, as Philippians 4:7-9 says, think positively so you don’t lose hope. When we close our eyes and visualize, the primary visual cortex lights just as if you’re actually performing the task.
          Charles used his ignition motivation as well as Mark’s journey to imagine the pain he experienced as he trained. Almost all day, every day for the last 6 months, he visualizes himself running the streets of Chicago, and crossing the finish line.

I’m proud of Charles for going after his dreams. It hasn’t been easy but there is something to be said about the journey and what it has done to shape him. For his first marathon, he dedicated each of the 26 miles to someone that we personally knew that has or is fighting cancer – one of which is me! I’m humbled and grateful to have his support through not only my cancer but now my M.S. 

God the creator of our brain has given us a neurological handbook – the Bible. When we embed its truths into our daily thinking, we can live new lives, develop new skills, become better at what we do and escape as well as replace bad habits.

History

• Charles ran the Chicago Marathon on October 8 and finished right under his targeted goal.
• He challenged himself to continue training and six weeks later he ran the Dallas Marathon on December 9. He shaved 24 minutes off his previous time! 
• Charles' dream to run with his God daughter came true when he ran a half-marathon in May 2018. He broke PR.
• He is set to run marathons in Colorado (September 2018), Chicago (October 2018) and Hawaii (December 2018). 

I think I might write a blog on what it means to be a marathon runner's wife and supporter next time! 

Boost Your Child’s Brain Development During the Summer

Your kids might be on summer break but their brains aren’t, they’re still growing. It’s important to anticipate and plan for the summer since the window to influence as well as boost your child’s brain development tappers off as they approach adulthood. Just like your grocery cart might have summer essentials like bug spray, sunscreen, band-aids and popsicles, think about what your kids need to stay mentally healthy and growing throughout the summer.

Here are some suggestions:

• Routine: Kids are on a tight schedule during the school year, both at home and school. Parents assume that a break from any routine would benefit their children. However a consistent routine allows children to feel safe as well as thrive. A daily rhythm can also help reduce meltdowns and discipline issues.  Create and post a summer activity calendar to help kids anticipate special times like vacations and day trips. Theme each day of the week–i.e. Sundays-church and community, Wednesdays -picnic or pool, Fridays –friends and family, etc. to help kids remember, create excitement and reduce anxiety from the unknown.
• Community: A sense of belonging can boost mental health. Schools give kids of all ages a major source of belonging, even for those that might not feel close to anyone. When summer break for the summer, many kids lose their network of community. Kids experience a void in social interaction and some might feel lonely. Give your children a safe space to express their feelings and don’t try to reason with them, just listen as they express their feelings. Kids need regular peer connections so allow your children to plan play dates with their friends. Do things as a family and plan on giving your children your full attention at that time.
• Purpose: I love acknowledging eager kids who open the door for me at the store – their faces light up when I thank them. We’re born to discover and fulfill our sense of purpose. I spend more time counseling college and high school aged kids during the summer, than usual. Not only do they experience a loss of routine and community but also a loss of purpose. This can lead to depression and feelings of anxiety. While in school extra curricular activities, clubs, sports and even homework give children a strong sense of purpose. Their developing brain needs repeated, purpose driven experiences throughout the day to keep them mentally healthy as well as establish healthy future habits.  Besides doing household chores, help older children find volunteer opportunities at your church, library, vet, day camps, etc.  Check to see if your neighbors need their dog walked or yard cut. For little ones plan tasks like organizing toys, (even if you have to un-organize them first) matching socks, setting the table, etc. When the task is completed, celebrate with them! You can also give your children a sense of ownership and purpose by asking them to help you brainstorm, plan and execute activities they want to do.

• Fun: If you want to speak your child’s love language, learn to have fun and live in the moment. Kids are born to have fun. It’s how they learn and discover their world. For most adults, ‘fun’ is work. When parents have fun with their children, you show them that you not only love them but that you ‘like’ them. When you have fun together, you build ‘relational credit’ for the future. Having fun with your preschooler might mean slowing down to participate in things that evoke their sense of wonder. They think like an ‘artist’ and love engaging in activities that activate their senses. Lay down in the grass with your child to gaze at the clouds and stars, walk in the rain, chase bubbles, draw with sidewalk chalk, cuddle, laugh and get messy together! Elementary-age kids think like a scientist and thrive when their interests are engaged. Experience different activities together to discover their interest. Go on bike rides, visit museums, start a large puzzle, sing, dance, role-play and watch movies that inspire them to win at every-day life.

  Summers present great opportunities to build life-time memories together as a family, but it can also be a season filled with busyness and arguments. Slow down to affirm and hug your children everyday. Words of affirmation have the power to give life while hugs have the power to heal, forgive and convey love, all of which are fertilizer for the brain.

Photo by Ashton Bingham on Unsplash