Biblical Parenting: Disciplining with Love and Purpose

Parenting is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding yet challenging journeys one can embark on. As believers, our approach to parenting is deeply rooted in the wisdom of the Bible. Proverbs 22:6 sets the tone for our discussion: "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." This verse, along with Proverbs 22:15, provides valuable insights into the importance of discipline in raising children.

The Purpose of Discipline: Shaping Character, Not Just Correcting Behavior

Proverbs 22:6 emphasizes the long-term impact of proper training. Discipline, as advocated by the Bible, is not merely about punishment for wrongdoing. It is a tool for shaping the character of our children, guiding them towards a life grounded in faith and morality. The intention is to mold their hearts and minds so that they naturally incline toward righteousness.

Discipline as a Form of Love

Proverbs 13:24 reminds us, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." This verse underscores the concept that discipline, when administered with love and diligence, is an expression of care for our children. It is not about inflicting pain but about steering them away from harmful paths and towards the way of righteousness.

Understanding Proverbs 22:15: The Foolishness Bound in a Child's Heart

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him" (Proverbs 22:15). This verse acknowledges the natural tendency of children to exhibit foolish behavior. Instead of condemning them, it encourages parents to use discipline as a means of guiding their children away from folly and towards wisdom.

Discipline for Character Formation

Hebrews 12:11 provides a New Testament perspective on discipline: "For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Discipline, when rooted in love and aimed at character formation, brings about lasting positive change in the lives of our children. It is an investment in their spiritual and moral well-being.

Striking the Balance: Behavior Management and Character Formation

Finding the balance between managing behavior and forming character is a common challenge for parents. Ephesians 6:4 offers guidance: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." It reminds us to approach discipline with a holistic view, combining correction with instruction in the ways of the Lord.

As parents, our responsibility goes beyond raising well-behaved children; we are called to nurture hearts that love and follow Jesus. Proverbs 22:6 encourages us to invest in the spiritual training of our children, and Proverbs 22:15 reminds us of the need for disciplined guidance. Through love, diligence, and a focus on character formation, we can embrace the Biblical principles of parenting, shaping the next generation to walk in the ways of the Lord.

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Avoid Exasperating Your Toddler: Tips from the Bible | Brain Development

Being a parent of a toddler is one of the most rewarding experiences in life. Watching your little one grow and develop is both exciting and fulfilling. However, it can also be a challenging time, as your child learns to assert their independence and exercise their own will power. It’s not uncommon for parents to feel exasperated or frustrated during this stage, which is often referred to as the ‘terrible twos’. According to Dr. Jay Hoecker at Mayo Clinic, the term "terrible twos" has long been used to describe the changes that parents often observe in 2-year-old children. A parent may perceive this age as terrible because of the rapid shifts in a child's mood and behaviors — and the difficulty of dealing with them. One minute your child might be clinging to you, and the next he or she is running in the opposite direction.

When parents feel tired and frustrated it can lead to yelling, criticism, and even shaming, which can hurt our children's growing self-esteem and hinder their development. In this blog, we'll explore the biblical principle of avoiding exasperating your children and how it can guide us in nurturing our toddler's autonomy.

Ephesians 6:4

The Apostle Paul exhorts parents in Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." This admonition doesn't mean we should spoil our children or let them do whatever they please. It means that we should avoid provoking our toddlers to shame, doubt, anger or discouragement by our words, tone of voice, or actions. We should also provide them with Godly guidance, wisdom, and love. How can we apply this principle to our toddlers?

Avoid Exasperating by Creating Christ-centered Household

Parenting with a Christ-centered, not child-centered focus is essential for avoiding exasperation. As hectic as it can be to raise children and instill values in them, Proverbs 22:6 reminds us of the importance of teaching our kids according to God's ways so that even when they are older they will never depart from what we have taught them. It begins at home as parents cultivate faithfulness and trust God for wisdom on how best to nurture their little ones through tender discipline. Our children truly are divine gifts given by God and He expects parents to come together with one mission - nurturing their little ones' faith in Him. We will land up exasperating our little ones if we misuse our authority, discipline to meet our desires, and parent with unresolved childhood issues. We are called to use discipline techniques rooted in His love rather than just controlling unacceptable behaviors.

Avoid Exasperating by Understanding This Phase of Development

Erik Erickson has coined this stage of development as ‘Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt’. During the crucial 18 month to 3 year old stage of psychosocial development, children learn important skills that stay with them throughout their lives. As parents, we have a unique opportunity to nurture our little ones as they gain autonomy and independence - helping them develop positive self-images for adulthood. However, if we ignore, shame by constant correction or reject their efforts at exploration and decision making during this key period of growth we exasperate them which can lead to doubts/shame about themselves in future years.

Avoid Exasperating by Respecting Their Need for Autonomy

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One way to avoid exasperating our toddlers is by acknowledging and respecting their growing sense of autonomy. Toddlers are designed by God to discover their own preferences, abilities, and limitations. They need to explore, experiment, and express themselves. As parents, we can encourage their curiosity, creativity, and independence by providing them with age-appropriate toys, tasks, and choices. For example, we can let them feed themselves (Yes! it will get messy!) choose between two outfits, offer them simple tasks like putting away their toys, and praise them for their efforts.

Avoid Exasperating by Focusing on Their Efforts

We all want our toddlers to feel proud of themselves and their accomplishments, but did you know that focusing on the effort instead of just the result can make a big difference? Praising effort shows our little ones that their hard work and persistence are just as important as the end result. (Proverbs 14:23-24) It encourages them to keep trying, even if things don't go exactly as planned. By celebrating their effort and acknowledging their hard work, we build our toddler's self-esteem and confidence. So, next time your little one does something, take a moment to appreciate the effort they put in. Instead of just focusing on the result, let them know how proud you are of their hard work and determination.

Avoid Exasperating by Using Life-Giving Words

How we communicate to our toddler matter! “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4) King Solomon commended the value of wholesome speech and condemned the damage done by perverse speech. Positive speech nourishes the lives of others, but perverse speech can break their hearts. Toddlers may not have developed the ability to understand complex reasoning or express themselves clearly, but they can sense our tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. We should avoid speaking to them in a condescending, dismissive, or angry tone even when we discipline them. Instead, we can use simple and clear language, smile, and make eye contact with them. We can also listen to their needs, feelings, and feedback without judgment or interruption.

And, ah, the word "no." It's a word that all parents know well, but did you know that overusing it can have a negative impact on our little ones? A constant stream of "nos" can leave a toddler feeling discouraged and lacking in confidence. That's why it's essential to use positive language and offer alternatives whenever possible. Instead of shutting down their behavior with a flat "no," try redirecting their attention to something more appropriate. For example, if your toddler is reaching for a forbidden object, offer them a toy or activity that is more appropriate. This approach not only helps to minimize tantrums and power struggles, but it also empowers our toddlers by giving them choices and options.

Avoid Exasperating by Being Clear and Consistent

The Bible warns us against being double minded about your expectations. It causes confusion and frustration. Set clear and consistent boundaries for your toddler's safety, health, and well-being. Toddlers may not recognize danger, understand hygiene, or comprehend morality. Therefore, we need to guide them and teach them the rules of the house, the social norms, and the Godly principles of our faith. However, we can do it in a way that empowers them to make responsible choices and learn from their mistakes. For example, we can explain why it's important to wash their hands before eating, show them how to use a knife and fork, how to pray before meals, and praise them for sharing their toys.

Avoid Exasperating by Not Withdrawing Love

Toddlers are concrete so it’s essential to show our toddler love and affection in tangible ways. Toddlers are designed to need physical touch, verbal affirmation, and emotional connection with their parents, especially when we discipline them. We can hug, kiss, and cuddle them, tell them we love them, and spend quality time with them. We can also model love, forgiveness, and compassion in our relationship with them and with others. By doing so, we help them cultivate a healthy and secure attachment that will benefit them throughout their lives.

Being a parent to a toddler can be challenging, but it’s also one of the most rewarding experiences in life. With prayer, and Godly wisdom you can help your toddler navigate this exciting stage of development with autonomy, understanding, and positivity. Remember that your toddler is their own person, with their own desires and abilities. As a parent, your role is to nurture their need for autonomy while still providing healthy boundaries, life-giving words, clear boundaries and tangible acts of love. By doing so, you can avoid exasperating them which can be detrimental to their Spiritual and emotional well-being.

Do you have older children? Read more about this here: Ways to Train up a Child and 15 ways to Exasperate Your Children

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15 Ways to Exasperate Your Children

As adults we can become intensely irritated, angered, maddened, enraged, provoked and infuriated. In other words you find yourselves being ‘exasperated’.  As parents we’re capable of provoking the same feelings in our children. However since their brains are still developing, the long-term impact of constantly exasperating them has severe negative relational and behavioral consequences. God in His wisdom warns parents to guard themselves from exasperating their children.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV

Before we bang this scripture verse over our children’s head and demand that they obey us, let’s not forget the fourth verse in this passage.

“4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

In this verse the spotlight turns directly to parents. This verse makes it pretty clear that God holds parents responsible for how we use our authority. We all want to be good parents - but sometimes, in wanting to do the right thing for our children - we end up doing it the wrong way because of how we approach it. And when we do the right thing the wrong way we exasperate our children. Colossians 3:21 talks about the cost of exasperating our children:

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”

Wow! The last thing we want to see happen is for our children to lose heart. When they do, we lose one of the most important battles in our lives– the battle for our child’s heart.

It’s clear parental authority comes with responsibility and accountability. First, we must model what it is to live under God’s authority so children see the benefits of living under God’s given structure and avoiding sin. Second, we must understand that the ultimate goal of teaching our children to walk in obedience under us, is to allow them to experience first hand the goodness of walking and respecting God’s authority. The fruit is a promise - that we will live a long and blessed life.

What would it look like to exasperate your children? How can you avoid doing so?

1. Abusing your power to discipline - Biblical discipline is not punishment - it is course correction. It is modeling Christ in parenting - it is ‘training a child in the ways he should go’ according to scripture – all to protect and shape a child’s heart.  Pray before reacting.

2. High expectations without understanding your child’s natural gifts, talents, learning style and unique personality traits – slow down, read and educate yourself on what is going on in your child’s natural stage of development.

3. Disciplining them without warning them (no matter what the age) – give grace the first time you see your child do something that is harmful. Take time to explain future consequence of repeating the same action.

4. Constantly administrating harsh discipline – harsh discipline hardens the heart towards you and God. If you’re not observing any change in your child’s behavior patterns, try administrating a different discipline.

5. When the time doesn’t match the crime.

6. Playing favoritism – We are born to receive our parents’ approval and favor. Favoritism makes children develop behavior patterns that are attention seeking rather than character building.

7. Withdrawing affection, especially after disciplining your children – it’s kindness and love that provides a place for children to safely turn their back on behaviors that are harmful in their life. Make it a habit to hug your child, or playing with them when you’re done disciplining them.

8. When your yes is not a yes and your no is not a no – talk about confusing! Children thrive under consistent as well as predictable guidelines.

9. When you don’t apologize – If you want to raise a child after God’s own heart, model asking for forgiveness. It’s the key to all healthy relationships.

10. Over-protecting them – one of the goals of parenting is to teach them to gain independence as you earn their trust. Over protecting as well as micro-managing them kills their confidence and lowers their self-esteem. Let them learn the hard way - don’t bail them out of situations. 

11. Not keeping a promise – use your ‘promises’ wisely. A broken promise leaves long-term scars on a child’s heart and mind. In spite of the fact that we continue to break our heavenly Father’s heart, he has never broken His promises towards us. Children internalize broken promises as loss of love, attention and value.

12. Embarrassing them in private and in public – it’s a gateway to feelings of shame.

13. Model hypocrisy- Hypocrisy leads to disrespect and loss of credibility. Get in a habit of admitting your failure to meet expectations.

14. Not listening to them –Teach them how to respectfully share their feelings with you. Listen, be slow to react!

15. Treating them as your friends rather than your children. This is especially true in case of marital conflict. Children are not designed to parent their parents. Role reversal shortens their emotional development and leads to unhealthy future relationships.

    Raising a toddler? Read my blog about how not to exasperate your toddler.

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