Parenting a Teen – 4 Ways Empathy Makes a Difference

Growing up is a lot of work!

During each stage of development, kids experience something new physically, socially, emotionally, cognitively, and intellectually. When teenagers begin to make irrational, emotional decisions, parents tend to lose patience and panic. This lends itself to a cycle of parent-teen conflicts at a very critical time in their teen’s life.

One of the most important tools parents need to have to help their teens (and themselves) thrive through the turmoil is a strong sense of empathy.

As teens approach puberty, it’s easy to see the changes unfolding in their body physically but not so in their brain. The emotional center of their brain is more developed than the decision-making part of the brain. This puts their emotions on overdrive and logic in the back seat! Here are a few tips to help you stay focused on what’s important during this time.

Maintain the parent-teen relationship – fight for their heart

While you’re confused and angry about your teen’s behavior, your teen is breaking away from you. You might get the impression that your teen doesn’t need you. Not true! In a rapidly changing world, despite how your teen behaves, he or she longs for parental stability, safety, and belonging. When you’re in the middle of a conflict and emotions are running high, put your empathy hat on. Keep your cool, ask reflective questions, and actively listen. Give them time to cool down. This changes their brain chemistry. Repeat what you heard them say. Make them feel understood. Add humor to your conversations and don’t forget to just have fun. If you want to share a different perceptive and be heard, do it later! You might have to wait a day or two but that’s okay.

Do everything it takes to fight for your teen’s heart and maintain your relationship.

Help your teen stay healthy – body and mind

None of us want to recall how awkward teen years can be. You can develop empathy for your teen by recalling how difficult those years were for you. Over the years, I’ve helped many teens deal with anxiety brought on by surges of change. My goal is to help them identify triggers and regulate their response to them. This reduces the number of chemicals released into the brain from the anxiety. One of the most overlooked aspects of brain chemistry is its need to be watered, fed, emptied, and exercised.

Our ability to think clearly and be creative, alert, and logical is directly impacted by water, food, and sleep intake.

Additionally, exercising during ‘hormone surge years’ can help teens respond less emotionally. Buy your teen a journal and encourage them to dump all their thoughts on paper. This will allow them to sleep more peacefully and respond to situations less emotionally.

Plan risk-taking adventures with your teen - and engage

As they start to develop their own value system, teens begin to think out of the box. They take risks to tangibly discover if what they have been taught about life is true. Risk behaviors make us feel good because our brain releases adrenaline and dopamine.

Here is another opportunity for parents to put on their empathy hat – provide safe risk-taking opportunities and engage with them in the process. This helps your teen discover healthy ways to experience what their brain is craving while avoiding tragic consequences.

Avoid lecturing your teen on the consequences of poor choices. Instead research and share real, poor risk behavior stories to help them think through the consequences.

Parenting a teen requires help - ask for it

While all this change is going on, your teen is expected to make one of the most critical decisions of his or her life. Making college and career choices with their emotional, rather than their logical part of their brain can have negative, life-long consequences. I’ve found that often students make career choices based on a glamorized, rather than a realistic perceptive of that career. Recently one of my clients wanted to become a nurse, though she did not have the aptitude to become one, simply because she wanted to wear scrubs! Some students decide to attend a college based on where their closest friends or significant others are attending.

The simple truth is students need help to avoid making emotional decisions.

The best way to preserve your relationship with them is by asking friends, teachers, and counselors who can empathize with your teen to step in and help them launch into adulthood and all the decisions that come with it.

A great time to start developing empathy and adding it to your parenting tool-kit is now. Helping your teenager in these four ways can make an immeasurable difference. Keep going parents - you can do it!

Kal has spent the last thirty years working with teens developing empathy, good listening, and communication skills to help them navigate college and life decisions. Contact us today to find out how we can help.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Boost Your Child’s Brain Development During the Summer

Your kids might be on summer break but their brains aren’t, they’re still growing. It’s important to anticipate and plan for the summer since the window to influence as well as boost your child’s brain development tappers off as they approach adulthood. Just like your grocery cart might have summer essentials like bug spray, sunscreen, band-aids and popsicles, think about what your kids need to stay mentally healthy and growing throughout the summer.

Here are some suggestions:

• Routine: Kids are on a tight schedule during the school year, both at home and school. Parents assume that a break from any routine would benefit their children. However a consistent routine allows children to feel safe as well as thrive. A daily rhythm can also help reduce meltdowns and discipline issues.  Create and post a summer activity calendar to help kids anticipate special times like vacations and day trips. Theme each day of the week–i.e. Sundays-church and community, Wednesdays -picnic or pool, Fridays –friends and family, etc. to help kids remember, create excitement and reduce anxiety from the unknown.
• Community: A sense of belonging can boost mental health. Schools give kids of all ages a major source of belonging, even for those that might not feel close to anyone. When summer break for the summer, many kids lose their network of community. Kids experience a void in social interaction and some might feel lonely. Give your children a safe space to express their feelings and don’t try to reason with them, just listen as they express their feelings. Kids need regular peer connections so allow your children to plan play dates with their friends. Do things as a family and plan on giving your children your full attention at that time.
• Purpose: I love acknowledging eager kids who open the door for me at the store – their faces light up when I thank them. We’re born to discover and fulfill our sense of purpose. I spend more time counseling college and high school aged kids during the summer, than usual. Not only do they experience a loss of routine and community but also a loss of purpose. This can lead to depression and feelings of anxiety. While in school extra curricular activities, clubs, sports and even homework give children a strong sense of purpose. Their developing brain needs repeated, purpose driven experiences throughout the day to keep them mentally healthy as well as establish healthy future habits.  Besides doing household chores, help older children find volunteer opportunities at your church, library, vet, day camps, etc.  Check to see if your neighbors need their dog walked or yard cut. For little ones plan tasks like organizing toys, (even if you have to un-organize them first) matching socks, setting the table, etc. When the task is completed, celebrate with them! You can also give your children a sense of ownership and purpose by asking them to help you brainstorm, plan and execute activities they want to do.

• Fun: If you want to speak your child’s love language, learn to have fun and live in the moment. Kids are born to have fun. It’s how they learn and discover their world. For most adults, ‘fun’ is work. When parents have fun with their children, you show them that you not only love them but that you ‘like’ them. When you have fun together, you build ‘relational credit’ for the future. Having fun with your preschooler might mean slowing down to participate in things that evoke their sense of wonder. They think like an ‘artist’ and love engaging in activities that activate their senses. Lay down in the grass with your child to gaze at the clouds and stars, walk in the rain, chase bubbles, draw with sidewalk chalk, cuddle, laugh and get messy together! Elementary-age kids think like a scientist and thrive when their interests are engaged. Experience different activities together to discover their interest. Go on bike rides, visit museums, start a large puzzle, sing, dance, role-play and watch movies that inspire them to win at every-day life.

  Summers present great opportunities to build life-time memories together as a family, but it can also be a season filled with busyness and arguments. Slow down to affirm and hug your children everyday. Words of affirmation have the power to give life while hugs have the power to heal, forgive and convey love, all of which are fertilizer for the brain.

Photo by Ashton Bingham on Unsplash