Biblical Parenting: Disciplining with Love and Purpose

Parenting is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding yet challenging journeys one can embark on. As believers, our approach to parenting is deeply rooted in the wisdom of the Bible. Proverbs 22:6 sets the tone for our discussion: "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." This verse, along with Proverbs 22:15, provides valuable insights into the importance of discipline in raising children.

The Purpose of Discipline: Shaping Character, Not Just Correcting Behavior

Proverbs 22:6 emphasizes the long-term impact of proper training. Discipline, as advocated by the Bible, is not merely about punishment for wrongdoing. It is a tool for shaping the character of our children, guiding them towards a life grounded in faith and morality. The intention is to mold their hearts and minds so that they naturally incline toward righteousness.

Discipline as a Form of Love

Proverbs 13:24 reminds us, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." This verse underscores the concept that discipline, when administered with love and diligence, is an expression of care for our children. It is not about inflicting pain but about steering them away from harmful paths and towards the way of righteousness.

Understanding Proverbs 22:15: The Foolishness Bound in a Child's Heart

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him" (Proverbs 22:15). This verse acknowledges the natural tendency of children to exhibit foolish behavior. Instead of condemning them, it encourages parents to use discipline as a means of guiding their children away from folly and towards wisdom.

Discipline for Character Formation

Hebrews 12:11 provides a New Testament perspective on discipline: "For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Discipline, when rooted in love and aimed at character formation, brings about lasting positive change in the lives of our children. It is an investment in their spiritual and moral well-being.

Striking the Balance: Behavior Management and Character Formation

Finding the balance between managing behavior and forming character is a common challenge for parents. Ephesians 6:4 offers guidance: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." It reminds us to approach discipline with a holistic view, combining correction with instruction in the ways of the Lord.

As parents, our responsibility goes beyond raising well-behaved children; we are called to nurture hearts that love and follow Jesus. Proverbs 22:6 encourages us to invest in the spiritual training of our children, and Proverbs 22:15 reminds us of the need for disciplined guidance. Through love, diligence, and a focus on character formation, we can embrace the Biblical principles of parenting, shaping the next generation to walk in the ways of the Lord.

Photo by Austin Pacheco on Unsplash

10 Surefire Ways to Affirm Your Child's Strengths and Inspire Confidence

As parents, we all want our children to reach their full potential and be the best they can be. It's a joy to watch them grow and develop, discovering their unique gifts and talents. As we nurture and support them along the way, we can't help but feel a sense of pride when they accomplish something they've worked hard for. But it's not always easy to know how to best support our children, especially when it comes to affirming their gifts and talents. That's why we've put together this blog post with ten actionable tips to help you empower your child and encourage them to shine brightly in all they do!

One: Point Out Their Accomplishments

When your child accomplishes something amazing, take the time to point it out. Let them know that you see their hard work and appreciate it. Instead of pointing out everything they are not doing, focus on what they are doing right.

Two: Make a List of Their Gifts and Talents

Take the time to make a list of your child's gifts and talents. Post these in their room for them to see every day. These constant reminders can be encouraging and help them realize their full potential.

Three: Share Positive Statements

Our words have the power to build up or tear down. Share positive statements that fight back against negative thoughts. Write cards or leave notes around the house that convey positive messages without negative ones. Your child will see these messages over and over again and build up their self-esteem.

Four: Remind Your Child of Their Self-Worth

Make sure your child understands that their self-worth is not tied to their abilities. Reinforce this by conveying this message in your expectations. Praise effort, encourage growth, and focus on progress rather than solely on success.

Five: Take Time to Process Mistakes

When your child makes mistakes, take the time to process how they feel and what they would like to do differently. Encourage open and honest communication rather than lecturing them. This helps your child to develop a growth mindset and learn from their mistakes.

Six: Expose Them to Opportunities

Expose your child to a variety of opportunities, such as clubs, sports, and creative activities. This helps them discover their passions and talents. Encourage them to explore and try new things.

Seven: Offer Encouragement and Support

Offer encouragement and support in their interests and passions. Attend recitals or games and show interest in their activities. This validates their efforts and supports their growth.

Eight: Celebrate Accomplishments

Celebrate your child's accomplishments, big or small. Acknowledge their efforts, and show them how proud you are of them. Celebrations can bolster motivation and inspire continued growth.

Nine: Recognize Strengths and Weaknesses

Recognize their strengths and weakness and how they play a role in their development. This recognition creates an environment where children learn that their weaknesses are not a judgment of their worth but an opportunity to develop.

Ten: Practice Patience

Finally, practice patience in your journey to affirm your child's gifts and talents. This journey takes time and effort, but it can help your child build their confidence and self-esteem.

Affirming your child's gifts and talents can boost their confidence and spur on hope. As parents, we have the opportunity to help our children reach their full potential by validating their uniqueness. By following these ten ways to affirm your child's gifts and talents, you can create an environment that supports growth, celebrates accomplishments, and fosters self-worth. Affirming your child's gifts and talents takes time, patience, and effort, but it is worth every moment to help your child unlock their fullest potential.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

10 Lessons Learned: Supporting Our College Bound Student and Preparing to be Empty Nesters

Our son was college-bound, and we were about to become empty nesters. This phase is an interesting moment in time - a bitter-sweet passage filled with mixed emotions for everyone involved.

When our son was young, we nurtured his natural bents and found opportunities to develop and support his aptitudes. It wasn’t always easy. Though difficult, we committed to resisting the urge to mold him into what we thought he should become. Instead, we asked God to help us discern how He was masterfully designed by Him to fulfill a purpose and give us the tools to train him in the way he should go.

Now years later, it was time to let go. Our college-bound son was brimming with excitement and optimism to further develop his God-given talents. He was more than ready to head out to college. This was our second rodeo – our daughter had left the nest five years ago. We knew from past experiences that our role and the dynamics of our relationship with our son and each other were unquestionably going to shift. This time around, we decided to be intentional about preparing for the changes it was about to bring. Instead of deep grief and loneliness, we experienced joy and even began to enjoy each other, our son, and the extra time we had in ways we would never have dreamed of.

Here are 10 lessons we learned about supporting our college-bound student and preparing to be empty nesters. They may help you too.

#1 It still takes a village

Often parents, especially mothers, feel they are no longer mothers when their children leave the nest. The truth is, being a parent is not a short-term commitment but a lifetime covenant. Being a mother or a father is not limited by age or proximity. Just like every phase of parenting calls us to a parent differently, so does this phase. We learned how to become parents to our emerging adults by receiving guidance from those that had done it well before us (Prov. 11:14.).

#2 Your feelings matter

Once your nest is empty, find the space to honor your own feelings and shed tears.

#3 Be happy for them

I cannot stress this enough: take the time to work through your worries, sadness or nervousness with your spouse or adult friends and not with your college-bound student. Be happy and excited for them. This allows them to leave the nest with much-needed confidence.

#4 Pray

Pray fervently (1 Peter 5:7) for your college student and yourself. How you respond and what you do in their absence can either have a positive or negative impact on your college student, your marriage and you.

#5 Be Intentional with your time

“Your child’s life will be filled with fresh experiences. It’s good if yours is as well.”

—Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you means you’ve done your job. They are a gift from God - not ours to keep but to teach how to soar on their own and fulfill their God-given purpose. And as they leave the nest, we must also find the strength to search our hearts for the purposes God wants us to fulfill in the next phase of life. After the whirlwind parenting brings, empty nesting has the potential to make you wonder how you fit in the world.

Ecclesiastes 3:2 says there is a time to plant and a time to uproot. For us, the new season opened the door to personal freedom and meaningful relationships. Months before your student leaves home, pray and make a list of things you want to learn or do. Prioritize each other and your marriage. Find rewarding ways to spend the time you now have - like mentoring a young mom or dad, investing in a student, or volunteering (2 Tim. 1:5, Titus 2:3–5, Heb. 13:7). Find communities that share the same values as you. Cultivate adult friendships that bring meaning and push you to become a better version of yourself.

#6 Set check-in guidelines

Students tell me that their parents scam their phones when they get to college. Adjusting to college life and its demands outside the warmth of one’s home is genuinely difficult. No wonder students ghost their parents. You may think you are supporting your student but blowing up their phones does nothing but add more pressure. Establish and agree on a time to catch up and check in before your student leaves for college. Trust, that if your student needs you, he or she will reach out to you.

#7 Hands-off unless invited

Your student is changing drastically. He or she is now an emerging adult who secretly still needs their parents’ approval while they figure out how to do adulting without your help. When your student struggles, resist the need to solve their problems unless they ask you to help them. Boost their confidence by being a good listener and encouraging them to find their own solutions.

#8 Shower them with words of affirmation

College life is not easy. Find ways to remind your student that you love them and are proud of them.

#9 Send home-made packages

Send them care packages with their favorite things. For years, one of my favorite things to do was to invite other mothers who had students in college to my home to bake, write cards, pray and pack care packages.

#10 Acknowledge and celebrate changes

Commit to understanding and celebrating the changes your student has experienced while at college. Most students tell me that it is extremely difficult to come back home during their breaks. They rather stay away if they could afford it. Their number one complaint is that their parents still see them as the kid that left for college rather than the emerging adult that has experienced drastic changes and is learning to take ownership of their time and actions.

Work together on modifying previous house rules and establishing new expectations. Trust me, the time they have at home is limited. Use it wisely to fight for their heart and enrich your relationship with them.

Do you and your college-bound student need support? Contact us today

Parent tips on teenage brain development and learning style

Your high school student is under a lot of pressure. We typically expect them to make sound (adult) decisions about their future college and career path, without their adult, decision-making part of the brain fully functioning. As a parent, you have a huge role in easing the pressure and giving them the experiences they need to facilitate healthy brain development, so they have what they need to make mature decisions in the future.

What do repeated experiences do for the brain?

From the time a baby is born until it reaches approximately 25 years of age, with each stage of development, the brain offers a limited but powerful window to create pathways used throughout a person's lifetime. Pathways forge when new experiences are introduced and repeated or practiced. Who we become as an adult depends on the experiences the brain receives when it is developing. Since your student's prefrontal cortex is developing now, he or she must receive the experiences they need during this window of opportunity to help them grow a healthy brain for the future.

What does brain development mean for your student?

The prefrontal cortex is the brain's decision-making part that gives us the ability to plan and think about the consequences of our actions. It also helps us solve problems and control our impulses. In its absence, your student has to rely on the amygdala to make decisions. This part of the brain is associated with emotions, impulses, aggression, and risk-taking behaviors, which is why you might have a student who is dramatic, moody, or irrational.

How can parents help in healthy teen brain development?

During this development time, parents can work on being safe and supportive as their students make amygdala-based decisions. They can also proactively introduce experiences that begin to engage the prefrontal cortex to forge healthy pathways. Additionally, it affords your student to experience the differences in outcome when decisions are made using two different parts of the brain.

Support, don't fix

Parents tend to take over or jump in with advice to prevent their students from failing or making poor choices. When we fix their problems, we rob their brain of the kind of experiences they need to grow an adult brain. Instead, be a safe and supportive person they can come to when needed. Additionally, create a safe place for your student to experience the consequences of their poor choices. In other words, let them pay for their speeding ticket, go to school without their lunch because they slept through their alarm, contact their school counselor to switch classes, make that dreaded phone call to their coach, etc.

Affirm, don't conform

Do you know that one of the most significant opportunities this stage of brain development offers is for your student to become functionally smarter? This is one of the reasons why students need to discover on their own which experiences result in sound as well as poor learning choices.

I'm often saddened to learn that parents have unknowingly wasted precious time during this stage trying to conform their students to their personal learning style. When we put pressure on them to use our learning techniques to study, plan and stay organized, we rob their brains of the opportunity to discover how they can become functionally smarter. Every person has their own unique learning style and as parents, we need to learn how to recognize and affirm it in our students.

You can help them develop their own learning strategies by allowing them to use trial and error to see what yields the best results. Some may prefer to read out loud, while others can shave their learning time in half by being part of a group discussion or by creating elaborate graphics to connect concepts. Some might need the environment to be quiet, while others need white noise in the background. Some may need a clean desk while other a cluttered one. If you want to learn more about this, we offer free learning style consultations.

Suppose we want to raise students who succeed in college and grow up to become independent, responsible adults. In that case, it is crucial to understand, support, and provide what their brain needs during this stage of development.

Parenting a Teen – 4 Ways Empathy Makes a Difference

Growing up is a lot of work!

During each stage of development, kids experience something new physically, socially, emotionally, cognitively, and intellectually. When teenagers begin to make irrational, emotional decisions, parents tend to lose patience and panic. This lends itself to a cycle of parent-teen conflicts at a very critical time in their teen’s life.

One of the most important tools parents need to have to help their teens (and themselves) thrive through the turmoil is a strong sense of empathy.

As teens approach puberty, it’s easy to see the changes unfolding in their body physically but not so in their brain. The emotional center of their brain is more developed than the decision-making part of the brain. This puts their emotions on overdrive and logic in the back seat! Here are a few tips to help you stay focused on what’s important during this time.

Maintain the parent-teen relationship – fight for their heart

While you’re confused and angry about your teen’s behavior, your teen is breaking away from you. You might get the impression that your teen doesn’t need you. Not true! In a rapidly changing world, despite how your teen behaves, he or she longs for parental stability, safety, and belonging. When you’re in the middle of a conflict and emotions are running high, put your empathy hat on. Keep your cool, ask reflective questions, and actively listen. Give them time to cool down. This changes their brain chemistry. Repeat what you heard them say. Make them feel understood. Add humor to your conversations and don’t forget to just have fun. If you want to share a different perceptive and be heard, do it later! You might have to wait a day or two but that’s okay.

Do everything it takes to fight for your teen’s heart and maintain your relationship.

Help your teen stay healthy – body and mind

None of us want to recall how awkward teen years can be. You can develop empathy for your teen by recalling how difficult those years were for you. Over the years, I’ve helped many teens deal with anxiety brought on by surges of change. My goal is to help them identify triggers and regulate their response to them. This reduces the number of chemicals released into the brain from the anxiety. One of the most overlooked aspects of brain chemistry is its need to be watered, fed, emptied, and exercised.

Our ability to think clearly and be creative, alert, and logical is directly impacted by water, food, and sleep intake.

Additionally, exercising during ‘hormone surge years’ can help teens respond less emotionally. Buy your teen a journal and encourage them to dump all their thoughts on paper. This will allow them to sleep more peacefully and respond to situations less emotionally.

Plan risk-taking adventures with your teen - and engage

As they start to develop their own value system, teens begin to think out of the box. They take risks to tangibly discover if what they have been taught about life is true. Risk behaviors make us feel good because our brain releases adrenaline and dopamine.

Here is another opportunity for parents to put on their empathy hat – provide safe risk-taking opportunities and engage with them in the process. This helps your teen discover healthy ways to experience what their brain is craving while avoiding tragic consequences.

Avoid lecturing your teen on the consequences of poor choices. Instead research and share real, poor risk behavior stories to help them think through the consequences.

Parenting a teen requires help - ask for it

While all this change is going on, your teen is expected to make one of the most critical decisions of his or her life. Making college and career choices with their emotional, rather than their logical part of their brain can have negative, life-long consequences. I’ve found that often students make career choices based on a glamorized, rather than a realistic perceptive of that career. Recently one of my clients wanted to become a nurse, though she did not have the aptitude to become one, simply because she wanted to wear scrubs! Some students decide to attend a college based on where their closest friends or significant others are attending.

The simple truth is students need help to avoid making emotional decisions.

The best way to preserve your relationship with them is by asking friends, teachers, and counselors who can empathize with your teen to step in and help them launch into adulthood and all the decisions that come with it.

A great time to start developing empathy and adding it to your parenting tool-kit is now. Helping your teenager in these four ways can make an immeasurable difference. Keep going parents - you can do it!

Kal has spent the last thirty years working with teens developing empathy, good listening, and communication skills to help them navigate college and life decisions. Contact us today to find out how we can help.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Parents, are you considering gifting your child a cell phone for Christmas? Things to Consider..

It’s Christmas…that means gifts! For most preteens and teens, it’s a perfect opportunity to beg their parents for a cell phone. Granted, a cell phone comes with an expensive monetary tag but it also has the potential to cost your son or daughter more than you realize- emotionally, psychologically, socially as well as physically. Here are a few things to consider before you give this expensive gift to your child.

It’s more than a cell phone! The fact is, today’s cell phones are smart phones. It’s an instrument that houses all things ‘technological’. It not only allows you talk (I know you want your child to call home and check-in) but also text, access music, take, receive and send pictures, receive IM’s from all kinds of other devises, surf the web for good as well as damaging content, engage with social media, game, be bullied or engage in bullying, meet strangers, watch videos. Yikes! That’s a lot of ‘horse power’ at the tip of our children’s fingers!

As parents, we try to prepare our kids for every milestone in their lives. We may even fight against their arguments to drive, drink or marry before they can handle the responsibility. A smart phone requires the same diligence them for its use. Based on age and maturity, it is important to plan and prepare for technological milestones that support child development to avoid expensive mistakes that might have a life long impact on your child. Like everything else in life, our kids need to be trained, educated and supervised to develop healthy technology habits.

Don’t gift it! I might have ruffled your feathers when I said – “don’t gift it”. There goes your Christmas gift idea. Think about it for a moment. When you gift someone something you can’t take it back. Once the gift leaves your hands, you give up the right to tell the person how to use it. Instead, your child needs to know that you own it and you’re allowing him or her to use it with guidelines in place as a privilege and to gain freedom. They may roll their eyes at you and scream at how unfair you are – it’s okay. Your child is more likely to strive to earn your trust by respecting your expectations since they want continued use of your phone – in the process they will learn how to handle technology at a pace you set.

Set limits- the brain needs it! Technology has a profound impact on attention span as well as how children think and feel. Dopamine, a powerful neurotransmitter produced in the brain, influences our attention span, motivation, likes and dislikes, along with other important functions. We feel rewarded when we use and interact with technology because it releases dopamine. This creates a strong need to continuously use technology to feel rewarded. God has created our brains to feel pleasure, but without limits, the release of dopamine can cause unhealthy emotional dependencies and addictions. Since your child’s brain is still developing it’s important to set daily ‘time’ and ‘content’ limits. As parents, we are called to teach our kids how to guard their hearts (Proverbs 4:23). Do your homework and make a list of all your expectations that reflect Godly decisions to safeguard your child’s heart, mind and soul. List them and create a contract (include verses). Go over it and have him or her sign it.  Here are a few things to consider:

• Which Apps, or types of Apps are not acceptable?

• Where does the phone charge at night? Growing bodies need uninrrupted sleep for the body and mind to be healthy and develop. Our brains need sleep to repair and reboot for each new day. The best place is your room.

• What time frames are acceptable for all family members to use or not use technology?

• What type of gaming is acceptable? Be aware that the ESRB ratings may not always line up with your preferred value for each stage EC (early childhood), E (everyone), E10+ (everyone over 10. T (teen) and M (mature).

• Which monitoring software will you install to monitor activity? Don’t assume they know what pitfalls to avoid. Make sure you affirm them for making positive choices and discuss the impact their poor choices will have.

• How frequently will you verbally check-in with your child to find out how things are going? Stay consistent to keep dialogue going and earn trust.

• What consequences will your child have when he or she violates the contract? Clearly share them with your child so that consequences will make them act less impulsively.

• How will you restore your relationship with each other once trust is broken?

• How will you measure maturity to give them more freedom?

• What are your cell usage expectations when they drive? (You can monitor this via available software).

• Technology is like a living, breathing organism: It’s changing all the time. Become a student of it so you’re able to understand what your child has the potential to be exposed to and what limits you need to set.

• Once your preteen or teen is exposed to pornography commit to seeing a counselor. This is something I deal with regularly with broken-hearted parents. Pornography has a huge impact on a developing brain that impacts social and emotional development. Contrary to what you might think – this is not an easy fix.

• We are designed to build others up not tear them down. Talk about what messages are considered bullying as well as why they should not bully someone else.

  Additionally, as you set limits, make sure you’re also intentional about asking them to exercise, do outdoor activities and socialize - the brain needs it!

There is a fine line between imposing limits to control behavior versus using age and maturity appropriate limits to build character in our children. Setting technology boundaries is an opportunity for parents to help their children build character to instill internally owned values so they learn to make healthy choices independently one day.

Related article - 15 Ways to Help Your Teen Grow A Healthy Brian

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Parenting, Children and Dolphins

I abhor everything seafood. And yet the pungent stench of dead fish didn’t have the power to assault my senses. The view was breathtaking. This first-time experience had me spelled bound – I was standing at the end of a wooden pier – the ocean to my right, a river to the left. I was fascinated by the chasm between what was going on on either side of me. Calm-reckless, loud-soft, sand-land, rough-smooth, - all I had to do is turn hundred and eighty degrees to experience a different world. I’m not sure if I can remember the last time I was so spellbound. I wanted time to stand still so I could savor this experience. My perception of life and the world around me was being deeply impacted – just like the birth of my two children. And then it hit me – Missy and Chad are as enormously different as the personalities of the river and the ocean. So often in life, we wish time away, especially when parenting becomes choppy and rough. I wondered if my children’s playbook would read differently today if I had taught myself to slow down and to look for opportunities in the middle of the ugliness to understand that my children were masterpieces in progress. They needed my patience and attention instead of my attempts to make time evaporate. The fact is that in each phase of our children’s lives there are some unique tensions that will want to tempt us to pull our hair out, but they exist to spur own physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth.

As I was reflecting on this thought, I caught a glimpse of unusual shapes in the water. Soon I realized that I was watching a small pod of dolphins, playing in the sunshine. I was beyond thrilled! I grabbed my cell phone to capture them and to my dismay realized that I was not ready for the moment I was anticipating since I arrived in Florida. My phone only had 2% battery life left. Now I was stressed by having to figure out how to cautiously use my phone. I tried to discern if they had a rhythm that would allow me to capture them just as they danced to the surface. I believed I had it figured out – I was poised to capture them – alas after two missed attempts, with my phone dying, I got a very poor picture of one dolphin’s fin re-entering the waters. Hindsight- I should have forfeited my need to take a picture to enjoy what was unfolding in front of me. It instantly changed my experience and added stress. I know better... the lens of our mind is a far better place to capture memories than the lens of our camera. Significant moments are truly unpredictable. I remember being disappointed when I missed my children’s firsts - I wasn’t there when Chad took his first step or when Missy lost her first tooth… It does require us to be ‘present’ in the insignificant moments to be ‘ready’ to capture the significant moments. The best way to capture the dolphins playing would have been to continuously shoot pictures in hopes of capturing the right moment. Our children and playing dolphins have a lot in common. Besides both being unpredictable, dolphins move fast, kids grow up fast! If we want to experience the extraordinary with our children we need to increase the quantity of time we have with them.

So what can you do to be more predictable with the time you spend with your children so you’re ready to capture the unpredictable – breath-taking moments in them?

Your Changing Teenager & What They Need From You

It happened overnight…twice! It happened once with our daughter Missy and then seven years later with our son Chad. The first time it occurred we were convinced it wasn’t going to happen to us so when it did, we weren’t ready. We expected it the second time around, which paved a way for a different experience.  

All parents reach the point when they wonder who kidnapped their perfectly well behaved and parent-loving child. The shift in parent-child relationship is painful, confusing and often surfaces old pain stored in a parents’ memory. Between the ages of 12 to 18, children experience a crisis that Erik Erickson terms as ‘identity vs. role diffusion’. When younger, children understand that they have no power and that adults do. This allows them to align themselves with those adults as a way to share some of that power and status. Now, they want power for themselves with the same people that they’ve been subordinate to for the first twelve-plus years of their life.  It’s not okay to be someone’s child…they want to be their own person. In an effort to discover who they are, there’s a natural tendency to separate from their parents and seek psychological autonomy.  As parents, it’s important to accept the fact that ‘pulling away’ is totally natural; and to prepare our hearts to live in that tension so we can make the most of what’s happening during this phase.

The power of safe space and natural consequences: During this phase, kids go through the process of self-realization to determine who they’ll be as individuals and ultimately as adults. They begin to show interest in things that are different and often opposite of those of their parents. This gives them the ability to evaluate and measure these new experiences against their familiar childhood lifestyle to help them discern what’s uniquely valuable to them. This time-period of pulling away produces high levels of fear, anxiety and feelings of failure in parents. Though difficult, I had to learn how to disconnect what my children were going through from what I was feeling. Their search for a personal and separate identity was natural but I found myself feeling like a failure when I saw them making choices that didn’t reflect how I’d raised them. Instead of trusting what I had instilled in Missy when she was young, I found myself fighting against the choices she was making and over-controlling her by placing unrealistic rules in place that made her feel un-trusted and punished. Seven years later, Chad had realistic boundaries in place, which gave him a safe environment to process, fail and develop. In Chad’s words, “Missy was a recipient of punishments while I learned lessons from natural consequences (which were often painful) and received little or no punishment.” Teens need a lot of guidance and support but want the freedom to come to their parents rather than receive unsolicited advice. They’re also less likely to rebel against parents when they experience natural and realistic consequences for their actions. Often, Chad intentionally would ask some shocking questions, just to test the waters. Staying calm in the middle of scary conversations offers our children the assurance that we’re not easily disappointed and that we’re committed to them through thick and thin.

The power of community: I fell into what I believe is one of the most costly parenting traps. I bought into the lie that I was the only ‘one’ that my children needed. I’ve come to realize that because of the what ‘identity verse role diffusion’ entails a parent’s voice will become soft during these years which makes it extremely vital for us to intentionally posture other trusting adults who will echo what we believe during these years. Something beautiful happens in the process... our kids learn the value of community. As I watch my adult daughter struggle, I wish I had figured out how to give her what my son had – a community of loving and invested adults who were committed to being present for him. Today, I admire the fact that my son loves community and knows how to be community. He takes the time to build relationships as well as reaches out to others with ease and transparency when he needs support, prayer and advice.  As parents, we need to accept the fact that other adults are essential and are not a threat to our children or us. Before our son hit adolescence we became intentional about being present for other teens. We found ourselves being more patient and understanding with Chad because of our unfolding experiences with those teens.  Now years later, as empty nesters, my husband and I continue to find deep joy and purpose by creating safe places for those that wrestle through these years.

The power of forgiveness and transparency: One day, when my kids were still young, my son challenged me about knowing something with more accuracy than I did. I was 100% confident that I was correct. Well, it turns out that I was wrong. I remember how difficult it was to ask for forgiveness, especially because he laughed at me after I lost the bet. What he didn’t realize is that he triggered a childhood memory that evoked a severe reaction from me. Something that had the potential to be a meaningful memory turned into a nightmare. We forget that our kids have a front row seat into our lives and are absorbing the good, the bad and the ugly of our parenting till they hit the phase. As they try to gain independence and establish their own value system they openly start voicing their opinions about what they’ve experienced thus far. Partly because this is how they gain independence, and mostly because they’re trying to understand why we did what we did to parent them. It’s important to give our children the space to respectfully share their feedback. This might mean hearing some unpleasant things about ourselves, admitting our failures and asking for forgiveness. My husband’s ability to be transparent and ask for forgiveness from our son has had a huge impact on Chad. Now as a young adult, Chad finds himself modeling the same thing with his friends and co-workers.
We also need to be mindful of our own triggers that impact how we parent through this phase. I saw myself in my daughter’s behavior and that stirred up a lot of pain that I had shelved. Her behavior caused me to project my own rebellious and regretful history into Missy’s future and I assumed that she’d repeat my mistakes. I did her a disservice by failing to separate my experience from hers. I began to parent her with fear instead of using it as an opportunity to be transparent about my own poor choices and the regret it brought me. It was about her and I made it about me.

Parenting is not easy. By anticipating and preparing our hearts for the unique tensions that exists during adolescence, we can confidently help our children and others, navigate their pursuit for an independent identity that reflects the values we hold close to our hearts.

Train Up A Child

I have two children. Though both engaged in the same activities growing up, they favored different things when young. At 3 Chad was already giving me clues about his unique personality traits and bents. He was incredibly creative and would spend hours building intricate, ‘out of the box’, structures using recycled items. His vibrant drawings had more detail than his peers. This pint size kid also had an incredible ability to show compassion to others in a manner far beyond his years. I decided to pay attention to these natural bents and find opportunities to nurture, develop and support him in his areas of interests. Quite frankly, it wasn’t always easy. We share a few similar traits, so helping him develop those common traits seemed effortless. However, one area of tension was that I was an athlete and he was not!  It wasn’t just about wishing him to be an athlete, it was about my inability to figure out how to teach him the invaluable, life applicable lessons I learned from being one. Though difficult, I committed to not fight the urge to mould Chad into what I thought he should become, but rather, trust his heavenly Father had a perfect plan for him. Practically speaking, I needed to learn that the life lessons I discovered from being an athlete, Chad would gain as he developed his own natural traits. God was calling me to parent from faith not fear. This also meant trusting that Chad’s immerging personality, though different than mine, was God’s blueprint for Chad so he could accomplish the good works God had prepared for him to do from the beginning of time.

By 8th grade Chad purchased his very own apple computer with no financial help from us. He has also developed a deep love for photography. In a few short months he had mastered coding and began his own website designing business. As he continued to go to school, he found time to design church and business websites. His creativity, eye for color and ‘out of the box’ thinking gave him confidence to seek a career that allowed him to use his gifts. Today at 23, Chad loves Jesus. He is now a cinematographer, using those natural bents of creativity and color, to light scenes as well as be the eye behind the lens in the film and TV industry. His compassionate heart gives a voice to those who are homeless, struggling and forgotten. When I reflect on Chad’s childhood, I can clearly see God’s handiwork in Chad and how those traits were used to instill a clear purpose. This personal journey with Chad has made me a big advocate for parents and leaders to grasp the beauty of Proverbs 22:6.

Proverbs 22:6 is packed with powerful parenting wisdom around this concept and has the potential to revolutionize the way we parent. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the most misunderstood and misused verses. The Hebrew form of ‘the way he should go’ refers to ‘a child’s unique gifts/talents – his natural way/bent’. So in other words, this verse says, ‘Train up a child in (his unique gifts/talents by paying attention to his natural bent) and when he is old he will not depart from it.’  An arrow is designed to travel in a particular direction, depending on the bow’s bent. It’s all about the design of the bow. If you try to bend a bow differently than the way it is bent, you’re likely to miss your target. In the worst-case scenario, you’re likely to break the bow. Children are designed like bows to have their own individual bent to fulfill God’s given purposes.

So what are some practical things we as parents and leaders can do to identify and develop natural bents in children?

1. Provide an environment where they can be trained. As Christian parents God is vitally concerned with how we care for our children and how we train them in the ways of the Lord. They need to practically experience how the Lord is building our homes to be a household of faith where grace, mercy, forgiveness and even Godly discipline is practiced.

2. Become a student. Spend time learning about personality traits, learning styles, learning preferences and spiritual gifts. This will allow you to not only identify specifics in your children but also give you insight on how to link traits and purpose.

3. Observe your children and recognize their ‘bents’. Who are they? What do they prefer? What motivates them? What do they enjoy doing? What is difficult for them? How do your children’s distinctive personality traits facilitate the development of their unique gifts and talents?  Remind yourself that there’s a reason why your child is shy, assertive, introverted, extroverted, emotional, bossy, observant, curious, inquisitive, artistic, etc. It’s part of a bigger, unseen plan that’s unfolding in your child’s life.

4. Be intentional: Learn to number your days. Seize opportunities every day to nurture your child’s unique gifts and traits. Don’t leave it to chance.

5. Put scriptures to it. Find scriptures that give life to those traits. Since words have the power to give life, repeatedly share those scriptures with your children. Post them in their rooms so they’re reminded of their unique gifts and their link to scripture. Talk about those traits over and over again and remind them how God is going to use it for a bigger purpose.

6. Honor your child’s personality.  This doesn’t come without effort, especially if you have multiple children. As busy parents we tend to expect the same from all our children. Ask God to open your eyes and heart to the subtle traits that unique to your child.

7. Trust that you’re the right person. God has intentionally placed you in each of your children’s lives and you in theirs. He will equip you if you seek His wisdom. As you parent, God will continue to use the process to transform both your child and you, into His image.

8. Don’t live your life through your children. Don’t let your fears, past, or lack of experience decide how you’re going to raise your children. It will exasperate them. God desires to be your child’s potter – it’s not our job. Our job is to keep them pliable. Also, consider seeking professional counseling to help deal with fear and your past, or it will impact how you parent.

9. Build confidence to instill purpose. We’re designed ON purpose FOR a purpose. This purpose is shaped through our natural gifts and talents. Fighting against natural bents is fighting against God’s image and design in us and in our children. Commit to building confidence with what your children have rather than tearing them down with what they don’t have. Confidence allows children to experience success within who they’ve been created to be so when they grow older there’re less likely to depart from it.

10. Seek wisdom.  Pray without ceasing. Ask Him to give you a greater vision of your children than what you have for them. Ask Him to teach you how to lead your children in the way He has designed them to go. Invite other adults and leaders to partner with you as you raise your children. Ask them to help you discern traits, develop them and hold you accountable to an intentional plan.

Proverbs 22:6 shouldn’t be twisted to imply that if parents we did everything properly children will not rebel. To say so creates major issues with man’s free will to choose their own way. However when we pay attention to our child’s natural bent and help develop it, it not only instills life-purposes but also gives our children the ability to gain a greater perceptive of God as well as His intimate involvement in their lives.

15 Ways to Help Your Teen Grow A Healthy Brain

They’re needy and dramatic!
They’re highly emotional and hard to understand!
They’re fighting for independence while craving love and care.

This narrative might sound like one of a toddler but it’s also true of your teen. The brain goes through one of the most dramatic growth spurts during both these stages. Brain development suggests that raging hormones, voice changes and hair growth aren’t the only changes responsible for your teen’s crazy behavior.

As our children become teenagers the brain goes through a pruning process to get rid of the unused connections while strengthening other connections. This remodeling process begins in the back of the brain while the prefrontal cortex is remodeled last and continues into adulthood. Since the prefrontal cortex is the decision-making part of the brain responsible for your child’s ability to plan and think about the consequences of actions, solve problems and control impulses it has a huge impact on how your teen behaves.

How can you help your teen carry a healthy brain into adulthood?

1. Don’t freak out. It’s easy to panic when you watch your teens   behave differently then how you’ve raised them. Your teen is God’s masterpiece in progress and we need to parent with faith rather than fear. 
2.  Become a student. This phase brings unique opportunities to shape your teen’s thinking and processing skills. Instead of getting frustrated learn who they are and train them in the way they should go to spur on positive changes.
3. Be patient. Because of the pruning process you will hear yourself repeating instructions. Your teen needs you to patiently parent differently.
4. Clue them in. You might wonder who replaced your perfectly calm and rational thinking child with an overly dramatic, emotional, impulsive and aggressive child! Because the prefrontal cortex is still developing, teenagers might rely on a part of the brain called the amygdala to make decisions and solve problems more than adults do. The amygdala is associated with emotions, impulses, aggression and instinctive behavior. Be ready to be misunderstood as well as expect a display of intense emotions and drama. This too shall pass, as they say. Help your teen understand what’s going on in their brain and how it impacts them an others, but don’t let them use it as an excuse.
5. Introduce new thinking skills. The brain becomes more interconnected and gains processing power during these years. They have the potential to gain adult decision making skills but they need access to information. However, during these years their decision-making can be overly influenced by emotions because their brain relies more on the emotional seat of the brain because the rational part of the brain is under construction. Don’t box your teen in and tell them what to do. Instead, give them a wide range of reasoning skills so they can establish their own way of thinking. Ask for a list of options, talk through decisions step by step, and ask about possible courses of action and potential consequences. Encourage them to weigh positive rewards against negative ones.
6. Their activities matter. Teens are driven to establish a sense of purpose. Repeated skills, activities and habits during these years make connections and have the potential to become ‘hard wired’ in the brain. Give them space to explore new activities. Once they discover what they like, help them build positive character traits and a sense of purpose by routinely engaging them in those activities.
7. Help them take healthy risks. Your teen is wired to not only take risks, but higher ones. Teach them how to take healthy risks, like traveling and sports rather then negative ones like smoking and stealing. Teach them to measure risks and be available when they experience setbacks and failure. And speaking of failure; it’s ok to let your teens fail at things. In fact, they need to learn how to fail, and learn from their mistakes.
8. New emotional outlets. Hormones and brain construction make teens overly emotional. Help them find new and creative ways to learn self-control as well as release and express their emotions. Some good outlets include sports, creative arts, music and writing.
9. Set boundaries. Your teen needs boundaries to feel safe and loved but the boundaries you set need to make sense in light of ‘today’ and align with their personal beliefs. They’re interested in the now, not the future. Give them opportunities to negotiate (not argue) boundaries to increase their processing skills.
10. Help them get lots of sleep. They love staying up but teens need an average of 9 hours of sleep for healthy brain development. Teach them how to wind down and relax.
11. Family routine. Teens might be busy but they still need family structure. Ignore their eye rolling, don’t give them an out and continue to engage in weekly family routines like meals, walks, family nights, outings, etc. 
12. Model It. Are you modeling choices, emotions and thinking processes that you want your teen to learn? Also. in the heat of the moment you'll often find yourself mirroring the same behaviors you're trying to correct in your teen. Does your response and emotions to their drama model what you want them to catch?  
13. Affection. Often parents tend to change how they show physical affection to their children as they enter puberty. Teens need to know that their parents still love them, especially through all the changes. Find ways to physically and verbally express love.
14. Give frequent affirmation. Words have power. You might feel like you’re living in a constant battle zone where your own affirmation is sparse. Their brain needs frequent positive affirmation (and rewards) to reinforce healthy pathways in the brain, and for life.
15. Engage your village. It takes a village to raise kids. Your voice might become soft during these years. Invite other adults you trust to model and actively engage in your teen's life. Invite them over and create regular opportunities for them to connect.

Photo by Matt Heaton on Unsplash

15 Ways to Exasperate Your Children

As adults we can become intensely irritated, angered, maddened, enraged, provoked and infuriated. In other words you find yourselves being ‘exasperated’.  As parents we’re capable of provoking the same feelings in our children. However since their brains are still developing, the long-term impact of constantly exasperating them has severe negative relational and behavioral consequences. God in His wisdom warns parents to guard themselves from exasperating their children.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV

Before we bang this scripture verse over our children’s head and demand that they obey us, let’s not forget the fourth verse in this passage.

“4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

In this verse the spotlight turns directly to parents. This verse makes it pretty clear that God holds parents responsible for how we use our authority. We all want to be good parents - but sometimes, in wanting to do the right thing for our children - we end up doing it the wrong way because of how we approach it. And when we do the right thing the wrong way we exasperate our children. Colossians 3:21 talks about the cost of exasperating our children:

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”

Wow! The last thing we want to see happen is for our children to lose heart. When they do, we lose one of the most important battles in our lives– the battle for our child’s heart.

It’s clear parental authority comes with responsibility and accountability. First, we must model what it is to live under God’s authority so children see the benefits of living under God’s given structure and avoiding sin. Second, we must understand that the ultimate goal of teaching our children to walk in obedience under us, is to allow them to experience first hand the goodness of walking and respecting God’s authority. The fruit is a promise - that we will live a long and blessed life.

What would it look like to exasperate your children? How can you avoid doing so?

1. Abusing your power to discipline - Biblical discipline is not punishment - it is course correction. It is modeling Christ in parenting - it is ‘training a child in the ways he should go’ according to scripture – all to protect and shape a child’s heart.  Pray before reacting.

2. High expectations without understanding your child’s natural gifts, talents, learning style and unique personality traits – slow down, read and educate yourself on what is going on in your child’s natural stage of development.

3. Disciplining them without warning them (no matter what the age) – give grace the first time you see your child do something that is harmful. Take time to explain future consequence of repeating the same action.

4. Constantly administrating harsh discipline – harsh discipline hardens the heart towards you and God. If you’re not observing any change in your child’s behavior patterns, try administrating a different discipline.

5. When the time doesn’t match the crime.

6. Playing favoritism – We are born to receive our parents’ approval and favor. Favoritism makes children develop behavior patterns that are attention seeking rather than character building.

7. Withdrawing affection, especially after disciplining your children – it’s kindness and love that provides a place for children to safely turn their back on behaviors that are harmful in their life. Make it a habit to hug your child, or playing with them when you’re done disciplining them.

8. When your yes is not a yes and your no is not a no – talk about confusing! Children thrive under consistent as well as predictable guidelines.

9. When you don’t apologize – If you want to raise a child after God’s own heart, model asking for forgiveness. It’s the key to all healthy relationships.

10. Over-protecting them – one of the goals of parenting is to teach them to gain independence as you earn their trust. Over protecting as well as micro-managing them kills their confidence and lowers their self-esteem. Let them learn the hard way - don’t bail them out of situations. 

11. Not keeping a promise – use your ‘promises’ wisely. A broken promise leaves long-term scars on a child’s heart and mind. In spite of the fact that we continue to break our heavenly Father’s heart, he has never broken His promises towards us. Children internalize broken promises as loss of love, attention and value.

12. Embarrassing them in private and in public – it’s a gateway to feelings of shame.

13. Model hypocrisy- Hypocrisy leads to disrespect and loss of credibility. Get in a habit of admitting your failure to meet expectations.

14. Not listening to them –Teach them how to respectfully share their feelings with you. Listen, be slow to react!

15. Treating them as your friends rather than your children. This is especially true in case of marital conflict. Children are not designed to parent their parents. Role reversal shortens their emotional development and leads to unhealthy future relationships.

    Raising a toddler? Read my blog about how not to exasperate your toddler.

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash